In search of the reason

It’s been a while since I’ve been here.  But, it’s that time of the year.  Things are definitely hustling and bustling around here this time of the year.  And we truthfully love it!  And we are looking forward to a the days ahead with family and the kids and presents and yummy foods!

I’ve hesitated writing lately.  It’s not that I don’t have anything to say.  I guess it’s more of a I have no idea how to say what I want to say thing.  I have this longing to talk to someone, anyone, about this that isn’t my husband and that I’m not related.  I don’t know why.  It is one of those things that doesn’t make sense.  But, I guess nothing ever really makes sense, does it?  I can talk to my husband anytime I want about this, and he will talk to me.  I can talk to my sister or any one of my closer friends.  But, the problem is, none of those people really understand enough for me to just bare my soul and unpack my heart.

Writing here used to help me immensely, but it’s not like having a conversation with someone.  My writing still does help and ease my mind.  But, it’s not the same as having a heart-to-heart with someone who understands exactly what you’re saying and exactly what you mean.

Many years back my very best friend moved away.  We fell out-of-touch and eventually our phone conversations stopped happening.  I mean, when you don’t share the same experiences it’s so hard to have a conversation after a while.  I often wonder if she would have been able to fit the bill to have this heart wrenching conversation with.  And even though she was my best friend, I don’t think I could have had this conversation with her.  It troubles me to say that, because honestly, that leaves only my husband.  And I need more than that.  And though I have several close friends, they are not people I could confide in.  They are “fluff” as I like to say.  It’s funny because Bobbie and I had this conversation years ago, that our friends weren’t really friends.  Irony.

But, I feel like I’m in a good place right now.  I think I have made my peace with things.  I’ve learned to accept all of the things that trouble me and be content with what is current and now.  My relationship with my husband continues to improve.  And that really makes everything else fall into place nicely.   It’s really hard though not having that close friend to share all of the things on your mind.

My husband has said he wants to buy me an anniversary ring.  I told him not to do that.  I know he wants to, but I don’t want him to feel like he needs to purchase that item.  I told him to wait a while.  It’s hard to believe that my anniversary is two months away and D-day is two months away.  Seriously, affairs really make you feel every single emotion at once sometimes.  I think that was probably a common denominator among the three of us……and all of us here.

And maybe we all come here because we long for those intimate conversations we can have with people who understand exactly what we mean when we say this or that.  We come to understand each other and lean on each other.  Maybe it’s the fact that a computer screen is so impersonal.  The shoulder to cry on isn’t there.  It’s just an empty space and we all are tired of empty, that’s for sure.  But, we continue to come and to write and hope that our words reach someone and help someone else.  And we hope that our writing among each other fills the void we all still need to fill, no matter how small, that our spouses left to us.

My void is all but gone, except for the tiniest sliver that waits for something, anything, to show me that the whole experience has some purpose, and that it wasn’t all just in vain.