Christmas Past

The Christmas season brings with it the joys of the present, the nostalgia of the past, and the hope for the future.  I’m having trouble with the nostalgia of the past.  Six years ago, I loved the nostalgia of the past.  Today, I can’t seem to move any further into the past than six years ago.  It haunts me.  One of those years, I can’t remember which one, but I think it was Christmas of 2012, our tree fell over.  One morning before the kids went to school the whole thing just toppled over to the floor.  One of my kids brought it up and added that it wasn’t a very good Christmas at all.  He remembers.  He says it out loud several times.  I wonder what my husband thinks.  This was the Christmas that Bobbie was desperately trying to convince my husband to leave us for her…..at Christmas.  I didn’t know this until later, after she gave him the ultimatum.  He told me she was really putting the pressure on him to leave.  He didn’t.  But, at the moment I found this out, I realized how little she really did know him.  But, it still haunts me the way he was acting, a Christmas ruined, when there aren’t really that many to celebrate in a lifetime anyway.

She has a love/hate relationship with Christmas.  She had told me before that growing up her family had little money.  And she has no children.  And I remember that Christmas of 2012 when she said it would be the first time in a long time there would be nobody there to fill her stocking for Christmas morning.  She wanted someone there.  Maybe anyone would have done.  I don’t know.  It’s hard to be alone for the holidays.  Her Christmas pasts were haunting her as well.  But, in her selfishness she deemed it far worse for herself to be alone than for us to be alone without a husband/father on Christmas morning.  That thought process bothers me very much.  It takes a cold and calculated person to attempt to guilt someone into leaving their family at Christmas time, doesn’t it?  I suppose it’s especially cold and calculating when the love they are professing is fake and being shared with other people.  I realize she exhibits all of the signs of narcissism, but it still bothers me.

It all seems so far away and so close at the same time.  And I’m still trying to figure out exactly what to do to bring closure to all of this.  I wonder if she feels closure?  I do know this, she is a firm believer in Karma.  I am also a believer.  I believe that what you put out there comes back to you multiplied.  Karma does not always come knocking on your own door, sometimes your Karma is something you’re forced to witness instead of experience.  She has made no amends for her behavior, so I imagine her Karma should be interesting when it shows up.

This year, four years later, life is different.  But, it’s better.  Today was the anniversary of the death of my husband’s mother in a car accident.  I wish I could say that each year this date gets easier, but it does not.  Part of me believes if that accident would not have happened, the affair also would not have happened.  But, that is something we will never know for sure.  But, I am fairly certain that is the case.

Life is a domino effect.  Everything affects everything else.

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