I’m a huge music lover, almost every genre. I’ve listened to thousands of songs over my life. And I have never had an album reach so far down into the depths of my soul and pull out all of my buried emotions finding the perfect words to bring them back to life. I have had a favorite album for the last 10 years, and this one easily overtook it to take the first spot. Maybe because it’s so visceral and vulnerable and emotional. There’s one song in particular with a lyric that is what I would have said if I could have just had the mind to think of saying it. I frequently find myself wondering how one person could put into words what I’m feeling so easily. The answer of course is that we are all the same, we all feel the same.
You lowdown boy, you stand-up guy, holy ghost
When I heard those words I was floored, because that is exactly how I would describe my husband. I actually googled “stand-up guy”. The official definition is An honest and straightforward man of good character. That is my husband in a nutshell. Stand up guy is the way that everyone who knows him sees him. That’s the him that made my dad ask me if I was sure when I told him. That’s who he is. The lowdown boy comes in when he had that affair. That’s the part of him that even I still can’t believe sometimes. Sometimes he, himself, can’t believe it. Holy Ghost…I guess you would have to be in a relationship with him to understand that part.
Was I ready for it? I knew that I wasn’t. I have been feeling the effects of this album for several days now. I couldn’t even come here to write because my emotions were all over the place. The worst part is I really don’t have anyone to discuss the impact these songs have had on me. So I will likely discuss it with my husband at some point, but no time soon. I’m not ready. Maybe I wouldn’t be ready to talk to anyone even if there was someone I could discuss it with. I mean I talk to my daughter every day about this album….but not about the impact. She knows her dad had an affair, and maybe when I tell her that loml is my favorite song, she gets it, but we don’t talk about that or even imply that anything could be that relevant to me.
Mostly I’ve kept my feelings about this music to myself. I’ve not even said too much on FB…maybe I just don’t want her to know how much it has penetrated into my very soul. I’ve realized too that I have a lot more healing to do. Maybe healing never stops. And while I knew that it was going to be hard, I didn’t realize how hard. I naively thought I was way beyond allowing my emotions to be so riled so easily. I was caught off guard despite knowing what was coming.
I can’t help but realize that one other person relates.
2blackcadillacs 