Very few people know of my past circumstances. My husband and I decided in the beginning to protect our children. The volatile innocents in every relationship equation that involves kids. The kids did find out eventually, one by accident, the rest through living in the house. It’s the real tragedy really. Kids want to know that their parents are their safe haven. They want to know that above all else. But, as the one who was cheated on, I can tell you that holding in your emotions is extremely difficult and the last thing you want to do is tarnish the image of a loving father…..or a loving husband. It’s the absolute last thing that you want, and it doesn’t matter how much you’re hurting.
My husband was and is a very loving father and a very loving husband. Ironically those things did not change during or after the affair. Oh there were moments in the “husband” category, but mostly I would have never known there was another woman….if I didn’t know there was another woman. We were caught in a vacuum together, intertwined like the roots of a banyan tree. And, as in any love triangle, it eventually became difficult to untangle ourselves from each other. Somebody was going to get hurt. All of that came to my mind and I realized it was either going to be her or me. One of us has to go. Somebody has to lose.
Only everybody loses. There are no winners. Did I feel like a winner when my husband chose me? Did she feel like a loser when her lover chose his wife? Did he feel like a loser for hurting the two women he claimed to love? The reality is we all lost something, honor, pride, respect, love, humility, and on and on. It’s funny how something that starts as love can end in such tragedy. It’s funny how when it came right down to us, not one of us truly wanted anybody to lose no matter how much we knew somebody had to fulfill that role.
She gave the ultimatum. The one that pulled my husband away from her. It wasn’t immediate, he didn’t just stop loving her. The people I have told about this are always shocked that my husband told me he loved her. The thing is he told me he also loved me. It wasn’t even that he was conflicted. He loved two people. He was never conflicted about who he loved more, I don’t think “more” or “less” existed for him. He just loved. Love is such a simple and a hard thing.
I often wonder about a woman who allows herself to be a secret, masked by the reality of it all. I would wonder if she thinks it was worth it, but I know already that she absolutely thinks it was worth it, though I don’t know if her intentions are love based or malice based. I remember right after, he told me that she seemed fine…and he was a mess. I ask myself frequently if I’m lucky or cursed to have a husband who is also my best friend and confidant. I know so many things about their relationship, and now it’s impossible to unknow them.
I used to lose a lot of sleep imagining all the worst things. But, I would have laid awake imagining even worse things if I didn’t know the truth. I am grateful to my husband for his honesty, regardless of how painful it was at times, and regardless of the time it took him to be honest. And honestly I don’t know if I could have been as forthcoming if the roles were reversed. Laying your heart out on display and dropping your guard for the love of another is the most healing element I have found. The more we talked about their relationship and his feelings, the less I felt like a stranger in the matter.
Did this hurt? Yes. But, it was also the healing ointment I needed to recover. To gain this understanding was priceless. To come out of the darkness and into the light was scary and uplifting all at the same time. I could feel what he felt and understand in a whole new way. I didn’t even have to struggle with judging him. I knew when he was done that it was something that “just happened” for him. I knew it had nothing to do with me.
I believe that every experience is a learning experience, even this one. And in this case I learned that love knows no boundaries. People are the ones with the boundaries.
2blackcadillacs 