Lost

You know how they say there’s a song for every situation, well, there isn’t. I can attest to that. And really nothing makes you feel as alone as knowing there are no lyrics that fit the you that you are. But, today I heard this song with this lyric:

But I’ll love you for the way you are

and I’ll keep you at a length of arm

For I gotta keep you close to me

till you wanna be my enemy

The song is by an obscure artist by the name of Logan Bowden. The song’s lyrics struck me immediately, as soon as I heard them. I started to post this one stanza from the song today on FB, but then didn’t. Maybe I will in the future. The lyrics spoke to me because when it comes to the OW and myself we keep each other at arm’s length, just close enough. Not friends, but not enemies either. It’s so bizarre, yet something that’s now so familiar to me. Most days I have no idea what to do with this “relationship” between Bobbie and me. Ironically it has lasted three times as long as the relationship she had with my husband. Technically it’s not a relationship, but a connection. I haven’t talked to her in 10 years. Yet, we have a subtle conversation every day made up of ghosts and riddles, piecing together disjointed fragments of information. Sometimes I just go with it. Sometimes I anguish over it. Sometimes I wonder where it’s going. Sometimes I wonder what it means. But, all of the time I am lost.

My husband has asked me not to give up this “connection” to Bobbie. I mean I had it way before I ever told him about it and kept it, so I wonder which one of us it benefits really. I used to believe that I kept the connection because I was looking for an ending, but lately I feel like instead of the end I’m looking for the beginning. I feel like Bobbie is standing at the start point of a big labyrinth, but won’t go in because she’s afraid she won’t be able to get back out, which I guess is fair. I feel like I’m standing inside the maze trying to convince her to just cross the threshold. And I understand her hesitation, it’s very easy to enter a maze, and it could be very difficult to find the exit if you want to leave. But, why still stand there contemplating day after day?

So, the line in the sand stays there, although I’m never sure who drew the line.