Ten years ago I wondered if my husband would ever talk to me about the affair and his relationship with the OW. At the time, it sure did not seem like he was going to, ever. He actually said those words, “I will never talk to anybody about it ever.” He eventually started talking. He was a dripping faucet at first, the barest minimum of words relating to the affair would drip out always leaving me wanting for more. It was frustrating. And then we both changed out attitudes and went through a period of time where neither of us talked about the affair, except for a few scheduled times. We healed individually without much discussion about what had happened at all because talking about it was too painful. We were both paralyzed by time itself. But we were healing, even if it was unseen and unfelt. And then he started really talking.
As we approach the 11th anniversary my husband has been talking to me the most he ever has. Over the previous few years we have discussed the ins and outs of the affair. But now he is talking to me more specifically about Bobbie the person. Recently we took a very long trip and spent more than 30 hours in the car together. (we have been in the car a lot lately) We talked the entire trip, several hours of that talking was directly about Bobbie. He talked and I listened. It was like dumping sand into our previous conversations, with the sand filling in all the holes of questions that never got asked or even thought to be asked. He elaborated more on her past and why she does the things she does and how he had thought at one time that he could save her. He talked to me about how he felt that she was married and we speculated on whether or not she would stay married. We both had different answers for that one, she had been married three times now, and he said she is definitely counting. But, I don’t know that she’s capable of staying married. I guess we will see. He also asked me if I thought it worried her that she has no children and she’s growing older. I don’t know if it worries her, but I do imagine she has some regrets there.
At some point we discussed if we would ever talk to her. So many years have went by and all of the wounds have been healed, I’m not sure talking to her would be any different now than talking to an old friend. But, my husband has his reservations, which I understand. I know he would never want to run into her unexpectedly and be put on the spot. In fact, he told me that if he often feels like contacting her himself, so that he can do it first and be prepared for that conversation. I think he is afraid that one day his phone will ring and it will her. He asked me how I would feel about that. I laughed and said, well, if you ever do talk to her can you tell her I would like to talk to her too. But, in all seriousness, I asked him if he could handle that. He thinks he could. Can I handle it? I mean, at this point in my life I can handle anything. I am not afraid for him to talk to her, and I’m definitely not afraid for me to talk to her. But, to be fair, I don’t think Bobbie could handle either of those conversations, therefore neither of them would ever happen and this is all just speculation. For me, it’s just my husband filling in the blanks of missing information that puts more and more of the puzzle of the affair together for me.
We have come full-circle. What once seemed like an impossibility is now a reality. My husband told me on this same trip that we are better than we have ever been. And that is true. With the anniversary of that fateful day approaching I find myself wondering about what if it had never happened. I even asked him on our trip, if you could go back would you change it. I knew his answer, because it was the same as my answer. No. Even though that event caused us both so much pain and anguish, I think it taught us both so much more, and maybe even Bobbie too. And neither of us feel the pain or anguish any longer. I think we both found a new respect for each other and a newfound love that goes much deeper than even what we felt before. I honestly feel no regret for anything that has happened. The only thing that is really regrettable is that things happen the way they do.
After 30 hours in the car together and countless conversations about life in general, I think we both feel pretty amazing. Of course, what I always knew, that discussing her and their relationship would definitely not only open all the boxes, but sort them and put them all away. I think he was afraid to dig that deep down into those boxes. But now that he did I think it’s obvious that talking is healing, but maybe those conversations also have to be timed right. I honestly believe setting those boxes aside for a few years was the right answer. Like I said, so much time has elapsed now that none of it really matters. The conversations felt like any conversation about a past girlfriend might go. It was hard to wait, but it was worth it to wait. We were uninhibited and raw and in an enclosed car, and it was good. It felt good for him to talk and it felt good to listen to him bare the rest of his soul to me. It showed trust and respect from both of us. And that is what made the difference.
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