I was up super late last night and I missed my window of restfulness. I fell asleep quickly, but it felt fitful. A combination of music and inconsistencies swirled in my head and I had a dream, clear and concise. I dreamed I was above myself, watching me go about life. I was in a store, maybe a grocery store, and I saw myself walk out with my bags and head to my car, just as another car pulled in the lot and parked, and I saw a woman walk into the same store. We passed each other by moments of fractions in time. It’s something we always do, we leave a store and someone else enters, it happens daily. But, I saw immediately it was Bobbie, and not some random unknown. I struggled to inform myself, but I couldn’t tell myself that as I was walking out she was walking in. In my dream I drove away unaware. I would never know, and in my dream I wondered how many times we passed so closely to each other and we never knew. I woke up and thought the same.
I haven’t dreamed about Bobbie in a long time. But, I suppose all the triggers were there last night, music with the right lyrics and random unpredictable happenings. I laid in bed and played the dream over and over in my head. And then I started analyzing the details, the smallest things. It was her, but not her from today, it was her from 10 years ago. I wondered not only who she was 10 years ago, but who were we. We were the shadows of who we are today. Our memories are nothing more than films about ghosts. Sometimes it’s difficult to even ascertain if the happenings of 10 years ago were anything more than a bad movie.
10 years changes you, whether you want to be changed or not. Time and experiences heaped onto whoever we already were transform us into the whole of who we are today. But, sometimes I’m still not sure who I am, which is kind of funny, given that I have always known exactly who I am. Experiences alter our perceptions. But, who I am has always been so crystal clear to me, until it wasn’t. I don’t even believe that who I am is buried under the trash heap of the affair. I think who I am is arbitrary, changing, not fixed. I think it has to be that way. I don’t think there’s any other way after an affair to be anything but dynamic.
My husband and I spent a great deal of time in the car a few days ago and Bobbie never came up, and the affair didn’t come up. He remarked once that when we find ourselves alone in the car together she typically comes up, that’s true, but this time she didn’t. She has been MIA for a while, out of sight I guess is out of mind. Maybe she was out of his mind too. Her absence used to feel loud, but now it feels soft and quiet. The obtrusiveness of her lifting away like fog after a rain storm. But, no matter how much she’s out of my mind she manages to find her way back in under the right circumstances. But, maybe we all feel that the right scenario can bring the OW running back through our heads like a ghost at midnight.
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