The Last Dregs of Healing

I think one of the hardest things about an affair is the constant wondering.  At first you’re wondering if they’re still cheating and wondering where they are and what they’re doing.  Not knowing is, of course, one of the worst feelings ever.  And I can remember that feeling as if I were feeling it an  hour ago.  And some things still trigger those feelings, dumb things, but triggers nonetheless.  Sometimes it’s a simple innocent word said by him and other times it’s the way the morning light hits our bedroom.  Sometimes I think there is no escape from that feeling.  But, time heals, and those triggers are few and far between.  I still wonder if they will ever go away completely.

And then there’s the wondering that comes later.  Does he think about her when we are having sex?  Does he think about her when that song comes on the radio?  Does she cross his mind every day?  What are his triggers?  What is it that reminds him of her?  My husband has been fairly straightforward regarding his feelings about Bobbie throughout the experience, but I’m sure there are things left unsaid, either for my own protection, or maybe even for his own.  Sometimes I’m tempted to ask and stop myself.  Maybe it’s a question I don’t really want answered.  But, the questions haunt me.  The wondering drives me crazy.  I wish I could squeeze my head tight enough to exhume every thought of what he might be thinking about her from my brain.

This is the part of healing that is solely on me.  And I suppose on his end it is solely on him.  How do you cope with wondering what someone else is thinking about?  Tonight, sort of out-of-the-blue, I was wondering what he was thinking about during sex.  I don’t have a reason, it was just a feeling, and maybe it was my imagination, but I got the feeling he knew what I was thinking.  He asked me what was wrong after.  In all honesty, it was all perfect.  He was in a “making love” kind of mood.  I can’t shake the feeling that I am being ridiculous.  He told me he loved me and was very soft and gentle.  So why was I wondering if he was thinking about her?

I never tell my husband that I think these things.  He seems to have moved so far past this that I feel very self-conscious about the fact that I have moments of weakness.  Realistically I know that he thinks about her.  I think it’s impossible for him not to think about her.  The question is in what capacity?  Do things randomly remind him of her?  Has he thought about her during sex?  Or maybe he used to and hasn’t in a very long time.  My issue is that I have triggers regarding her…something reminds me of her all the time.  It seems impossible that he isn’t experiencing the same thing.  In many conversations he tells me I’m wrong about that.  That he is occasionally reminded of her, but that’s the end of it.  Yet, I still wonder.

I call this the last dregs of healing, this wondering.  The nagging cough at the end of a bad cold, that keeps you up at night and I know I would feel great if I could just shake this cough.






7 thoughts on “The Last Dregs of Healing

  1. Thank you for being open and honest about your wondering thoughts. It is evident from your words that both you and your husband have received healing and are moving forward. You have wisdom and understanding of your own roles and responsibilities in your healing, as well as a healthy reality of your husband’s thoughts, triggers and recovery and I find that very inspiring. And comforting, if that makes sense. It is possible. We may have the thoughts, but it is up to us what we do with them. And others in this situation need to know that. Thanks again.

    1. Being realistic about what is true is the only way to not undermine the healing process. We both had things to heal from. That truth is not always an easy pill to swallow though. But, I suspect those who do not accept that won’t have complete healing in their relationship. Sometimes I think going through the healing process is harder than going through the affair process. Healing requires a certain discipline and self-control from the betrayed that is not easy at all.

      1. I completely agree that unless we both recognize and do the hard work of healing ourselves we won’t have complete healing in our relationship. Not only that, we won’t have the far reaching healing we need from all of our wounds, pre and post betrayal. The healing process is incredibly hard, but I have found it to be a gift. It does not lay blame on me for any of my husband’s behaviour, but it does require me to look deeply at myself and make changes to me. I see the world so differently now. Including me. Not through the lens of pain, but with a newfound beauty. But that is also where being realistic is needed to stay somewhat grounded in the truth and not live in a fantasy world either. Blessings to you on your continued journey to wholeness and healing!

  2. I feel the same way. It’s been almost 3 yrs since he fully* disclosed and I still have questions. I haven’t been able to have sex with him in over 6 weeks. Thank god during the affair when he was so absent, I managed to satisfy myself.

    She did things I won’t/can’t do. I was raped as a teen by a man I trusted – my first betrayal. Little did I know that this affair -by a man I trusted – would rip open that wound. Who knew?

    So it’s me and my vibrator and the rest of the time I feel like a sexual reject. There’s no question what he experienced was exciting and delicious and new and fun. She’s not younger or prettier, she’s quite crass and I’m a hot shit. But he still chose her so there’s that.

    Ugh. Bad day at lemondrop’s.

    1. I get it totally. I also have went weeks and once months avoiding sex. Bobbie did “things” as well. And I admit I am constantly wondering if he’s “judging” my performance or comparing me to her. I suppose that likely has happened. And there’s not much that can be done about thoughts. I don’t think men necessarily pick someone “hotter”. My sister thinks Bobbie looks like a man, and the other betrayed wife thinks she looks like a frumpy old-maid. But, the catalyst here is my husband is a boob man and she has nice ones (according to him). I honestly just accepted the fact that he probably still thinks about them and moved on. She also apparently gave great BJs, but you know, whatever. She also was fake, so I’m hoping that cancels that shit out.
      I hope your day gets better! Have some retail therapy, that always helps!

  3. Oh yesss! I totally get exactly what you are saying. When they cheated, they left that “question” or that “wonder” graved in our memories/brain and unfortunately I dont think it will ever go away. I dont know but I am 3 years out from dday and I still wonder…

    1. I actually had a conversation with my husband last night about this. He said, every few months you get like this. But, I don’t think he has ever been more understanding. Progress is progress I guess. And the more he tells me the less I have to wonder about. I am always in a quandary about how much I truly want to know and what’s better left unknown.

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