I think one of the hardest things about an affair is the constant wondering. At first you’re wondering if they’re still cheating and wondering where they are and what they’re doing. Not knowing is, of course, one of the worst feelings ever. And I can remember that feeling as if I were feeling it an hour ago. And some things still trigger those feelings, dumb things, but triggers nonetheless. Sometimes it’s a simple innocent word said by him and other times it’s the way the morning light hits our bedroom. Sometimes I think there is no escape from that feeling. But, time heals, and those triggers are few and far between. I still wonder if they will ever go away completely.
And then there’s the wondering that comes later. Does he think about her when we are having sex? Does he think about her when that song comes on the radio? Does she cross his mind every day? What are his triggers? What is it that reminds him of her? My husband has been fairly straightforward regarding his feelings about Bobbie throughout the experience, but I’m sure there are things left unsaid, either for my own protection, or maybe even for his own. Sometimes I’m tempted to ask and stop myself. Maybe it’s a question I don’t really want answered. But, the questions haunt me. The wondering drives me crazy. I wish I could squeeze my head tight enough to exhume every thought of what he might be thinking about her from my brain.
This is the part of healing that is solely on me. And I suppose on his end it is solely on him. How do you cope with wondering what someone else is thinking about? Tonight, sort of out-of-the-blue, I was wondering what he was thinking about during sex. I don’t have a reason, it was just a feeling, and maybe it was my imagination, but I got the feeling he knew what I was thinking. He asked me what was wrong after. In all honesty, it was all perfect. He was in a “making love” kind of mood. I can’t shake the feeling that I am being ridiculous. He told me he loved me and was very soft and gentle. So why was I wondering if he was thinking about her?
I never tell my husband that I think these things. He seems to have moved so far past this that I feel very self-conscious about the fact that I have moments of weakness. Realistically I know that he thinks about her. I think it’s impossible for him not to think about her. The question is in what capacity? Do things randomly remind him of her? Has he thought about her during sex? Or maybe he used to and hasn’t in a very long time. My issue is that I have triggers regarding her…something reminds me of her all the time. It seems impossible that he isn’t experiencing the same thing. In many conversations he tells me I’m wrong about that. That he is occasionally reminded of her, but that’s the end of it. Yet, I still wonder.
I call this the last dregs of healing, this wondering. The nagging cough at the end of a bad cold, that keeps you up at night and I know I would feel great if I could just shake this cough.