Frequently people have asked me who was to blame for the affair my husband had. I am asked this because everyone who knows my husband, and who now knows that he had an affair (not too many people actually know), can believe that he would have an affair. I have thought about this many times. Who is to blame? Obviously, when someone is betrayed they ask that question, often pointing to themselves, wondering what it is that they did wrong. It took me a while, but eventually I realized that I hadn’t done anything. My husband and Bobbie were both married people in committed relationships and chose to cheat on their spouses for…….for whatever reasons they could come up with.
There have been moments I have explored this thing called monogamy. So many people cheat, maybe we aren’t meant to be monogamous. But, even if that’s a true statement, we still have committed to monogamy. That’s the important part here, regardless of the circumstances, or what’s natural or unnatural, we were committed to monogamy. Bobbie was supposed to committed to her husband and my husband was supposed to be committed to me. My husband and I had known for years that Bobbie strayed. It was common knowledge in the office (small office).
When gossip first came home about the OW many years ago, shortly after she began working at my husband’s office, the very first thing I felt for her was something similar to pity. Let’s face it, anyone who is confident about who they are does not willingly give themselves to anyone and everyone. There is no respect in one-night stands or hidden relationships. Deep down, nobody respects someone who is cheating on their partner, no matter what they say to get the thing they want. And deep down nobody respects themselves after such encounters either.
When I discovered that this woman was sleeping with my husband, what I felt for her is not easily explained. And it’s also somewhat clouded…and still is clouded to this day. I suppose you could say that I felt every emotion regarding her. I wondered mostly where her dignity and self-respect were. I think I even asked her if she had any respect for herself. To this day I wonder this.
Everybody makes choices everyday that have an effect on their lives and the lives of everyone else. I want to blame her. I want to say Bobbie is to blame for having an affair with my husband. But, truthfully, my husband is to blame, almost 100 percent. By his own admission even. And like parents are responsible for their children, he was the responsible one is the situation, simply because he already knew who she was. He knew and made the conscious decision over and over again for two years to continue a relationship with a known adulterer. Her decision to continue an affair means nothing to me. This is her lifestyle. I don’t even think it was a decision for her, as much as a reflexive action.
Of course, the other side of this equation is that I do know that he tried desperately to get out of the relationship and couldn’t. And I have a feeling, even if she didn’t see the outward signs, deep down she knew this was not what he wanted. But, when you are someone whose reflexes guide you, with very little thought process of the circumstances or repercussions, there is not much anyone can do to stop that. It is what it is.
All women know there’s a code, and you don’t betray that code. You simply don’t mess around with another woman’s husband. Period. When a woman betrays that code she is betraying herself. She is betraying what womanhood is all about. And no amount of alcohol should be an excuse for crossing a moral line. But, herein lies the problem. Bobbie’s lines of her life are blurred lines. And her immunity is a heart that may break but will never bleed. Blaming her is like blaming a blind man for falling off of a cliff. She walks the ridge knowing she will fall.
Regardless of who was to blame or not, she alone held the power. She held the power within her to be destructive or not. And she chose destruction. The irony is, the very thing she thought would destroy us has made us stronger.