Three Years

Out of the last 21 days, we have spent 6 away from home in a hotel room with two of our kids for tournaments.  We finally will have a few week reprieve!  Today on my FB memories, that I have been barely skimming through due to the sheer lack of time, I saw that it had been three years since the other wife came into my life and contacted me regarding Bobbie also cheating with her husband… the exact same time.  Three years does not seem possible.  In some ways it feels like it all just went down and other times, it seems very far away.  I guess it’s kind of how I feel about the affair, so close, yet so far away.

So where are we 3 years from this discovery?  That’s the question.  I often refer to that discovery as my miracle.  And if you think about it, it really was a miracle, that I still can’t believe happened in the way that it did.  I will rephrase the question; where is my husband 3 years from this discovery?

I read a lot of these blogs about affairs.  I have read many articles.  One thing is usually true, the person who was fraudulent is expected to make amends and make them quickly.  I get that.  But, this really isn’t how we handled our affair.  As I watched my husband take in all of that new information, complete with photos, from the other wife, I knew in my heart that we would be doing the cha-cha.  Even though the info was damning, I knew my husband would need his own time to deal with what had now become a clear case of Bobbie  being a player.

So, here we were, the two of us, likely looking and being a sorry looking and feeling couple of people.  I was dealing with his betrayal and now he was dealing with her betrayal, all the while trying to hold our family together and providing some semblance of normal to the children we were raising.  Nothing could have been harder.  And sometimes it was nearly impossible.  And at first, we were two people dealing separately with our own problems.  We were both quiet with each other.  We did a whole freaking lot of just holding each other, not saying anything.  But, maybe that said everything.  We knew each other was there for each other.  And I honestly did feel bad for him and the fact that she thought it was okay to just use him like she did.  And ultimately he felt bad for all of it.

So 3 years later he has dealt with his demons and I have dealt with mine and we have come together many times to deal with all of it as a couple.  And we have learned an incredible amount of things about ourselves both individually and as a couple.  We can talk and say her name and laugh and cry and it’s not raw any longer, but a distant thing that we agree has changed who we are on the surface, but didn’t come close to changing our roots.

Perhaps the most important thing that I have learned about this whole thing is the amount of time it takes to heal and move forward.  I’ve also learned that moving forward does not mean you won’t ever take steps back.  And, maybe most importantly, I have learned that taking a few steps back once in a while is not indicative of failure, but rather of success.



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