Truth is stranger than fiction. I’ve always said that, most especially through this whole experience of an extramarital affair. Bobbie and I joked once that we were going to write a book once about this crazy, mixed up affair. Both of us would give our account of what transpired from beginning to end. At this point everybody knew everything and we were (supposedly) working it all out. They were going to end the affair and everything was going to go back to normal. Of course, eventually I realized they never upheld their end of the bargain. And there were moments I was convinced it had ended and there were moments of doubt. I always went back to my husband’s roots, who he was. I forgot to remember who she was. I, of course, do not place all of the blame on just her…I realize his guilt in the matter.
One of the most bizarre things, which likely has not happened in any other “affair”, is Bobbie and I developed a relationship shortly after I found out initially. I did not know her well before the affair. The only thing I knew was what my husband brought home in gossip about her, or gossip from the other women in the office. There was a lot of gossip about Bobbie. But, she was very personable. I liked her. After my discovery of the affair, which initially was only a few months in, I asked to talk to her, which she obliged. She wasn’t exactly happy about that conversation, but she did oblige. And, since there were many work functions coming up where we couldn’t avoid each other, we all decided to just forgive and forget. At this point, not much had happened between them and I could tell when I confronted him for the first time, it was nothing to him. I could also tell it was much more of a something to her. So, she and I started talking, mostly via text.
These texts encompassed many months and a lot of emotions, and another day-long conversation. Eventually, of course, it all came to a head. I never heard from her again until over a year later when she called me to disclose what had been going on. And then, after all that time, we shared some texts and screen shots once again about what he had been doing to both of us. Not long after I started this blog named after a song. I saw her and myself as victims at this point. There were moments I hated her with a deep hate and there were moments I felt just as sorry for her as I did myself. My emotions were in such upheaval that I look back and wonder how I survived all of that turmoil.
And then I discovered that Bobbie had other men she loved at the same time she was claiming to love mine. To be honest, I suspected this the whole time, heard rumors, etc. I had no proof. And, he also suspected it, one of the reasons he did not leave. He knew. But all of a sudden I had proof. And once again turmoil entered our lives. I was trying to get past this affair and his betrayal and then all of a sudden my husband is trying to get past her betrayal of him as well. We spent a lot of time leaning on each other. And we spent a lot of time healing each other.
It may seem odd that after all of that pain and agony and turmoil that I would want to dredge up anything by talking to Bobbie. But, my heart keeps pulling me in that direction. I wish I could explain it, but I can’t. I used to have this list of what I wanted to say to her. But, at this point there’s no list. I don’t know what I want to say to her, I just know I want to say something. Or maybe say nothing and just listen. I don’t know.
Am I crazy? Maybe. I guess I’ve never claimed to be normal. I’ve been mulling over in my head for weeks now how I could possibly accomplish this conversation with her. Unfortunately, I don’t have any answers. Part of me believes that she would want to have it as well, and part of me thinks she would never want to partake in that. Honestly, I feel like I’ve encountered a brick wall.