Fiction is probably more believable

Truth is stranger than fiction.  I’ve always said that, most especially through this whole experience of an extramarital affair.  Bobbie and I joked once that we were going to write a book once about this crazy, mixed up affair.  Both of us would give our account of what transpired from beginning to end.  At this point everybody knew everything and we were (supposedly) working it all out.  They were going to end the affair and everything was going to go back to normal.   Of course, eventually I realized they never upheld their end of the bargain.  And there were moments I was convinced it had ended and there were moments of doubt.  I always went back to my husband’s roots, who he was.  I forgot to remember who she was.  I, of course, do not place all of the blame on just her…I realize his guilt in the matter.

One of the most bizarre things, which likely has not happened in any other “affair”,  is Bobbie and I developed a relationship shortly after I found out initially.  I did not know her well before the affair.  The only thing I knew was what my husband brought home in gossip about her, or gossip from the other women in the office.  There was a lot of gossip about Bobbie.  But, she was very personable.  I liked her.  After my discovery of the affair, which initially was only a few months in, I asked to talk to her, which she obliged.  She wasn’t exactly happy about that conversation, but she did oblige.  And, since there were many work functions coming up where we couldn’t avoid each other, we all decided to just forgive and forget.  At this point, not much had  happened between them and I could tell when I confronted him for the first time, it was nothing to him.  I could also tell it was much more of a something to her.  So, she and I started talking, mostly via text.

These texts encompassed many months and a lot of emotions, and another day-long conversation.  Eventually, of course, it all came to a head.  I never heard from her again until over a year later when she called me to disclose what had been going on.  And then, after all that time, we shared some texts and screen shots once again about what he had been doing to both of us.  Not long after I started this blog named after a song.  I saw her and myself as victims at this point.  There were moments I hated her with a deep hate and there were moments I felt just as sorry for her as I did myself.  My emotions were in such upheaval that I look back and wonder how I survived all of that turmoil.

And then I discovered that Bobbie had other men she loved at the same time she was claiming to love mine.  To be honest, I suspected this the whole time, heard rumors, etc.  I had no proof.  And, he also suspected it, one of the reasons he did not leave.  He knew.  But all of a sudden I had proof.  And once again turmoil entered our lives.  I was trying to get past this affair and his betrayal and then all of a sudden my husband is trying to get past her betrayal of him as well.  We spent a lot of time leaning on each other.  And we spent a lot of time healing each other.

It may seem odd that after all of that pain and agony and turmoil that I would want to dredge up anything by talking to Bobbie.  But, my heart keeps pulling me in that direction.   I wish I could explain it, but I can’t.  I used to have this list of what I wanted to say to her.  But, at this point there’s no list. I don’t know what I want to say to her, I just know I want to say something.  Or maybe say nothing and just listen.  I don’t know.

Am I crazy?  Maybe.  I guess I’ve never claimed to be normal.  I’ve been mulling over in my head for weeks now how I could possibly accomplish this conversation with her.  Unfortunately, I don’t have any answers.  Part of me believes that she would want to have it as well, and part of me thinks she would never want to partake in that.  Honestly, I feel like I’ve encountered a brick wall.

 

 

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16 thoughts on “Fiction is probably more believable

  1. I have read your entire blog but don’t remember how long the affair lasted or how/why it ended. You are a remarkable person to be so kind about what they did to you.
    I think the reason you want to talk to her is to try to make sense of a selfish act. Truly there is no sense to it. You are never going to get answers that you need from a woman who had no problem having sex with several men. Does your husband know you want to speak to her?
    Was he in love with her? How long was the affair? What does he say about her and the affair?
    Although you write in a calm manner I imagine there is a lot of anger because a beloved husband and a good friend took your dreams away from you. You are never going to get those back. Leaving her in the past is probably the kindest thing you can do for yourself.

    1. The affair lasted two years or so. It ended when she decided she needed him to leave us and gave him an ultimatum. My husband has no idea that I want to speak to her. He was in love with her, but once he found out he wasn’t the only one it kind of sent all of that into an uproar. He realized he was in love with the “idea” of her, but that she was just a mirage. She portrayed herself of something she wasn’t. And, maybe you’re right about leaving her in the past. It may do more harm than good.

  2. This inexplicable pull you’re experiencing to contact her. I understand your motives may be different, but could this pull be similar to something your H had experienced in his affair? Some weird connection to her that he couldn’t break free, despite rationalizing the consequences in his head? Seems like after all these years, this woman still has a pull on you. Do what you need to do to find peace, but also just consider whether giving into this “pull on your heart” would truly give you that, or would it just open a pandora’s box again.

    1. I think this pull is absolutely similar to what my husband experienced with her. And there is some weird connection. Maybe I’m hoping a conversation will break that connection. It could also definitely open pandora’s box. Regardless I’m in a quandary about the whole thing.

  3. You cannot imagine that someone can be so “personable” while also betraying those she so, seemingly-genuinely cares about.

    But she DOES do that.

    You’re projecting your compassion onto her and she mimics it. She is not kind; she is mimicking your kindness. She is not compassionate; she is mimicking your compassion. She is cruel because she DOES cruel things to people, whether it looks like she’s capable of it or not. That is HOW sociopaths ARE sociopaths… they’re convincing. They’re so good at duplicity that no one could imagine how deceitful they are, even.when.they.KNOW.

    She is a narcissist and she will respond in any manner that she KNOWS you want… because your attention is ego-serum to her.

    STOP IT.

    1. I’m sorry it’s taken so long to reply to this, but I’ve been super busy. I realize all of these things about her. I am not naive to who she is at all. Sociopath or narcissist, either fits the bill for her. And it’s all because she has a serious ego problem. She is for anything that suits herself and only herself. And I do know how deceitful she is, and I have always known this. Like I said, I knew she was having an affair with more than just my husband back when it was going on, I just didn’t have the proof. I had hearsay from her friends and that was it, but I knew regardless. But, I still want to talk to her. I wish I could explain it better, but I can’t. It is just something I need to do.

      1. I’m good! ❤

        I'm in denial about Cheater being a unicorn, I think. He has become a completely different person and I'm still, almost 3 years later, still holding back and waiting for him to fuck up.

      2. LOL 🦄 love it! I think the hard thing is for me to see that Charles thinks he’s a unicorn 🦄 and I’m like by Felicia! Because really that type of thinking got him to have sex with Kendra like some dime a doZen hooker! But I suppose on the flip Charles says better this way than being mopey that he can’t change and it just doomed

      3. LOL – true! I told W that I might start letting my guard down in ten years or so… maybe. He said forever would be understandable.

        Damn him and his saying and doing the right things! It makes it so hard to be furious with him. 😛

        And then I see some lovely friend, being all pregnant and blissed-out and cherished by her very excited husband… and I go, “Oh! Yeahp. There’s the anger.”

  4. I apologize up front for my comment, but I really feel that you need a reality check. Insistonhonest is right about sociopaths. Hell rained down on my family because of the office sociopath whore. I now know more about S’s than I ever knew or wanted to know. The very second you befriended her after finding out about the affair it was game on for her. She was not your friend. You were nothing more to her than foreplay. She could bend over the desk for your H and mindfuck you at the same time. The game she played with your H getting him into her web is the same game she played with you. NEVER think for one minute that she cared about you, she didn’t. She NEVER loved your H or cared about you because S’s have no real feelings about anyone. They are what they are no matter whom they are with. I’m terribly sorry that she damaged your heart and your head but NEVER EVER let this woman back into your life……..You mentioned in one of your post that you asked your H about what she had done for his business and how to make up for her lose. Easy answer…. She screwed the clients to set up accounts, so any street corner can supply a replacement. A pig wearing lipstick is still a pig….A woman with a great job title who uses her body to get what she wants is still a whore……Research sociopaths and please understand what you’re dealing with…..Best thoughts your way.

    1. No need to apologize. I do know all about her and who she is and what she stands for and that she’s a sociopath and a narcissist. I get it. As for love, even my husband said he didn’t think she was capable of that. But, her damaging my heart? No. My husband damaged my heart. Has she damaged my head….no, she’s in there, but not damaging it by any means. My need to have a conversation with her really has nothing to do with who she is at all. It’s for me. Bobbie is who she is and she will always be that. Somewhere along the line in her life something happened and this is who she is. I completely understand that. When I say I feel bad for her….I do…but not in any way that would ever make me trust her. I feel bad for anyone who makes poor life choices and who lacks empathy for others. Did she care for me? Ha…I don’t even think she cared for my husband. She uses people to her best ability. But, that has nothing to do with me at all. That’s all her. And what I want isn’t dependent on who she is. It’s dependent on who I am alone.

      1. I get it BC I still want to have conversations with Kendra lately the want has been more.
        I loved how you stated what I want isn’t dependent on who she is. It’s dependent on who I am alone ❤❤❤

      2. I think it’s like closing out the chapter, it’s the closure. I have his end of things, and I guess I want hers. I’m not sure I’m looking for an explanation, except to maybe why she did this to him when she was sleeping with others, but I’m not even sure I would ask that question in all honesty. I guess I just want to talk to her because I do. I think it would be good for me and her, even though she would never admit that. lol

      3. I guess in a way I still care for Kendra I still hate her guts too but I just don’t hate her as much and really her slutty ways freed me up to do so much more with my life than focus on a one-sided marriage not that I want to thank her or anything guess another reason is to see how she is doing I mean i talked with her a few times after all the truth came out but I feel just more over it. I’m over her and Charles in a sense so it probably wouldn’t be closure for me more just I don’t completely hate your guts. Just wanted you to know kind of thing..

      4. I haven’t hated Bobbie in a very long time. I mean, I guess there are moments, but for the most part I don’t. I did feel like we had a connection, but I don’t know if she felt the same way, but certain things made me think she did, just things she communicated to me. If it’s meant to be I will talk to her. I guess if it’s not I won’t. But, I would prefer that we did. I have no idea what she prefers or even if she cares. I think maybe she would be very hesitant to make contact, because obviously she probably thinks I still hate her. I just don’t know. I’ve been kind of sort of waiting on some indication from her about this, but I generally get nothing. She used to talk to me through FB statuses…..but, she hasn’t done that in a very long time. I’m blocked, but I had someone I could ask, but they haven’t been able to see for a long time either. So, I surmise that she does not want that conversation. lol

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