Always on my mind

After two weeks of being sick, my husband forced me to go to the doctor, which was probably good, because I found out I have pneumonia.  I now have quite the plethora of drugs I’m taking to combat my illness.  My energy level is about zero.  I’m sick of being sick.  But, like my  husband said, if I had listened to him and went to the doctor much sooner I would not be in this situation.  Despite my stubbornness, he has been wonderful.

Last weekend, when I didn’t realize I had pneumonia, we took a trip to the mountains for the day.  We were talking about his job and work….and I actually brought Bobbie up.  She did their marketing when she was there.  There’s no denying that since she left there has been something missing business wise.  So we discussed what she did there and how to replace that element.  And it wasn’t awkward.  It has taken a very long time to get to this point.  I imagine it took him a long time to get to this point as well.

I haven’t told my husband that I have a desire to speak with Bobbie.  He likely wouldn’t want me to.  And me speaking to her really has nothing to do with him anyway.  It’s something I need to do for myself.  I have yet to figure out how to accomplish that.  I try to keep it in the back of my mind for now….a lingering thing, noticeable, but not strong.

I dream about her frequently, different things, talking to her, in the car with her, always in conversation with her.  Obviously it is heavy on my mind.  I try very hard to push it away during the day though, all the thoughts of her, I try to push away.  Lately I have found it very difficult, more difficult than ever before.

I reason with myself that it’s just because I’m sick and my mind is dwelling on things it shouldn’t.  I have lots of idle time to think about everything too much.  But, I’m more at peace than ever about the affair part.  I wish I could find a way to bring peace with the rest of it….with her.

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2 thoughts on “Always on my mind

  1. Hoping you’ll be back on your feet soon! At least you now know what you have and (hopefully) got the right medication for it as well. Hopefully you’ll solve the Bobbie-talk-puzzle. Maybe the wish to talk to her will fade by time, or maybe you’ll simply quit see a talk with her as a closure? It sure would be nice if one had a switch off-button for some thought patterns/disturbing thoughts (but then there would probably be an overdoing of pushing that button so the conscience would weaken with it)..

    1. I think I’ve pushed it to the back of my mind in the hopes that my desire to talk to her will fade, because I honestly don’t see it happening anyway. I can’t come up with any “possible” scenarios. So, I’m just holding back. If it happens it happens, if not….I’ll be forced to move on.
      And I’m sick of being sick! I hope these meds pull me out of this illness.

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