The Depth of Betrayal

Betrayal runs deep, perhaps deeper than any other thing we will ever feel.  Because when someone you love betrays you, and really only people you love can betray you, that’s something that seeps into the very core of who you are as a person.  It’s the ultimate ego killer.  Somebody you love was willing to hurt you to make themselves feel better.  And that somebody felt it necessary not to concentrate on what they had, but on what they were missing.  And, to make matters worse, the betrayer often tries to make a fool out of you further by denying what they’re doing and lying even further.

When I think about the betrayal I think about all of the things said and done by a person that I loved and a person that I knew loved me.  Betrayal is never really about love.  I never doubted that he loved me, and neither did he.  Betrayal is about respect, or the lack of respect.  If you don’t love someone anymore, you leave, you walk away, it’s easy.  But, when you still love someone, but cheat anyway, that’s a question of respect.  Bobbie did leave her husband.  She didn’t love him, not that I ever believed that she did.  I don’t believe that she ever believed she loved him either.  It was easy for her to walk away from him.  She had been cheating on him their entire marriage.

Knowing that my husband never stopped loving me really doesn’t soften the blow of his betrayal.  Betrayal is betrayal.  It feels the same regardless of the reasons.  I can write here a million times and relay to you that I am fine, and every time my heart will whisper back that I am broken.  Every. single. time.  I wonder if I will always be broken.  Maybe victims of betrayal are always broken.  Maybe healing only goes so far and then stops dead in its tracks.

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9 thoughts on “The Depth of Betrayal

  1. Wishing you continuous healing. I know it comes and plateaus and seems to go downward, but that is the time you pick yourself up as life is too short to be sad and angry and broken. There is so much to live for.
    During the time my husband had an affair, I could not say that he loved me. He was obsessed with a “nothing” from work. I broke this obsession and he is grateful for that as at the time he did not see, he did not hear. In short he was insane and corrupted. Once the “magic” (more of a poison) was gone, he saw what he had done to me and the kids. It is a long road. True. Do not believe those who forgive and let go and are happier than ever. It does not work like that. It was what you wrote RESPECT and that is earned and slowly gained back by him through his work on becoming a better person a better husband and a better father. He had lost all that. He is getting where he needs to be.
    I have given him another chance because I never stopped loving him.

    Continue with your journey, is you indeed love your partner. Wishing you strength,
    Elisabeth

    1. Bobbie had my husband under a spell too. But, he was fighting it with all he had. At least I had that. It was something that I could see and feel. My husband struggles with what he did and how he didn’t see what was going on right in front of him. Our journey continues and the road is easier.

      1. Thank you.
        In my husband’s case I do not think he fought it much. I think he was thrilled and that he thought it would stay under his control. But the poison crept on going and he made the choice to allow it to poison his mind and his body.
        He gets it now. But I am skeptical as he allowed it, while I knew…I saw him falling in the deep end. In hindsight it is even more clear. During the time he played mind games to derail me.
        I am learning to find myself and to love myself.

        Take care!
        Elisabeth

      2. I watched my husband fight it every evening and every weekend especially, when he was away from work and her. At time he would be almost begging me to help him. And he would go in and tell her it was over, but he couldn’t make it stick. She knew what she was doing. Thankfully when push came to shove, he found that strength he had been looking for.

      3. I wished my husband had that strength. I had to investigate and confront him with evidence. He had to admit as I had the details. It was ugly. I was a mess.
        The day after, he felt the relieve. I understood that although there was this pull, he was also scared for the woman and what she would be able to do. He was insane to fall for this person. He knows that now, but the harm is done and cannot be undone. The only good thing coming from this is that he wants to be a better man, husband and father. He also can pick up the gold-diggers with some hints from me.
        We just keep on swimming…

      4. The one thing that I can say is that my husband felt unbelievable relief. No more hiding, no more hesitating when the kids asked to play a game on his phone, no more worrying about being found out. Her pull on him was a lot, more than he could handle most of the time. The turning point for him was when she began pressuring him to leave, which was something he knew he wasn’t going to do. Despite his feelings for her, they didn’t outweigh his sense of right and wrong.

      5. Yes, same here. My husband felt relieve and when the AW pressured him for “more” whatever she wanted he knew that he did not want to leave his family. He felt trapped.
        Thank goodness :).
        Take care and thanks for your reply!

  2. Hugs to you if you wish. I completely understand how you are feeling. The despair just won’t leave no matter how many times I keep throwing it away.

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