Betrayal runs deep, perhaps deeper than any other thing we will ever feel. Because when someone you love betrays you, and really only people you love can betray you, that’s something that seeps into the very core of who you are as a person. It’s the ultimate ego killer. Somebody you love was willing to hurt you to make themselves feel better. And that somebody felt it necessary not to concentrate on what they had, but on what they were missing. And, to make matters worse, the betrayer often tries to make a fool out of you further by denying what they’re doing and lying even further.
When I think about the betrayal I think about all of the things said and done by a person that I loved and a person that I knew loved me. Betrayal is never really about love. I never doubted that he loved me, and neither did he. Betrayal is about respect, or the lack of respect. If you don’t love someone anymore, you leave, you walk away, it’s easy. But, when you still love someone, but cheat anyway, that’s a question of respect. Bobbie did leave her husband. She didn’t love him, not that I ever believed that she did. I don’t believe that she ever believed she loved him either. It was easy for her to walk away from him. She had been cheating on him their entire marriage.
Knowing that my husband never stopped loving me really doesn’t soften the blow of his betrayal. Betrayal is betrayal. It feels the same regardless of the reasons. I can write here a million times and relay to you that I am fine, and every time my heart will whisper back that I am broken. Every. single. time. I wonder if I will always be broken. Maybe victims of betrayal are always broken. Maybe healing only goes so far and then stops dead in its tracks.