Guarding your house

My husband and I are looking into getting a new security system for our house.  We currently have one installed, but we have rarely used it and it is quite old.  But, when my son came home one night late and there was a man in our yard it kind of freaked us all out.  Earlier this year someone broke into my son’s car.  So, the night of the prowler we attempted to set our security system only to discover that two of the sensors had failed and though we could set it, we had to do some bypassing of those two sensors.  Our house would be vulnerable in those two places even with the alarm on.

We often go to great lengths to protect our homesteads.  After all, they are physically the most valuable things that we own.  Our community has been targeted before by thieves, but never our own house, which we regard pretty highly.  Our houses protect our families inside and shelter us.

Sometimes we fail to protect things we value that hold no actual monetary value.  We don’t see them as a security risk and therefore do not take the necessary safeguards to protect them.  My husband and I feel like this is what happened to us.  We let our security system in our relationship have weak spots where intruders could find their way in.  While my husband is in full responsibility of the weaknesses that let an intruder inside, I am guilty of not worrying about any potential vulnerabilities.  I believed our security system to be full-proof.  It wasn’t.  I believed my husband to be invincible and he wasn’t.  All of the human things about us that make us vulnerable and weak, I ignored, believing we were somehow immune to the way of the world.

In the end we were vulnerable and weak, not only at our weakest points, but overall.  The parts of us that failed caused the stronger parts of us to fail as well.  And at our lowest point we collapsed into some unrecognizable heap of who we once were.  And because we aren’t a house with alarms going off, nobody came to our rescue to save us from the intruder.  We were on our own.  And alone is one of those places where you immediately start building your own fortress around yourself.  Walls went up for both of us with the alarm set to immediate.

Having come from a place where the walls were walls we shared to a place where we were both hiding somewhere inside an ever-growing fortress around each of us singly was probably the hardest thing each of us has ever had to endure and overcome.  We had been that invincible team together.  Now we were just alone, wallowing in our own despair and troubles.  Both of our guards on high alert.

For the longest time we lived together alone.  And slowly each of us would remove some bricks from our walls..and there were plenty of days we put some of the bricks back too.  An affair is not easily overcome.  No matter how quickly we wanted it to be over doesn’t matter.  It’s a process.  It’s a very painful process for both of us.  And there were so many times that I wanted to not feel any empathy for him at all, because he was the one who caused this terrible pain we were both feeling.  He did it.  He let the intruder in.  But, when you love someone you don’t always get the option of the emotions you feel for that person.  In the end I felt as bad for him as I did for me.  And eventually I came to the place where I told him that I was indeed sorry for what she had done to him.  And I am also sorry for what he did to her…..and me.

After her suicide attempt I wondered if she did truly feel the pain of losing him, or was the pain just from losing period, or maybe her pain was from betraying someone like him.   It’s one of the questions I do want to ask her someday.  There are so many things involved in the healing process and for each of us that process is different.  But, for each of us the feeling of security is at the top of the list.

Our house will be getting a new security system.  And our relationship also has a new security system.

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2 thoughts on “Guarding your house

  1. I get what you’re saying, but my question is this: What could you have done differently to prevent this from happening? Kept a closer eye on him? Tracked his every move? You say the security system of your marriage allowed an intruder into it, but there was no intruder on your side of the marriage. You thought everything was okay, and you had no reason to believe otherwise. I think about the strength of my marriage, and then read this and wonder if I need to start increasing my security system in my marriage, though I have no reason to think that I do.

    1. He actually had an intruder who tried to get in and did. I didn’t have an intruder who tried to get in. I would like to believe I wouldn’t have let them in, and if I had asked him before his intruder got in he would have believed there was no way anyone could get in. There’s no way to know what anyone would do in any given circumstance. Keeping a ‘closer’ eye on someone is never the answer. I think it’s what we default to when things go awry, but it really doesn’t help anything at all. The most important thing that we have done to improve our security system is to tell each other when we feel things are off. My husband and I have always had great communication, which is likely the things that ended up saving our marriage, but he tended to give in a lot just to make me happy instead of voicing his opinion. And since I never dreamed he would ever even consider an affair I basically never thought twice when there were clear red flags that she was moving in for the kill.

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