I’ve been mulling over in my head what I want to bring to 2017.  I’ve been mulling over how to accomplish what I want to accomplish.  There are many different scenarios that can play out.  The easiest scenario, also the least likely scenario, would be Bobbie reaching out to me, wanting to clear her own head, wanting to avoid her surely approaching Karma. I say it’s the least likely of the scenarios because she has no idea how I feel.  And, Bobbie is not one to risk losing face unless she’s sure.  And she’s also not likely to risk my husband finding out.  Speaking of him, I have pretty much decided that he will not be involved in any way or know of this particular resolution.  I know that is not exactly honest in a time period where honesty is pretty important, but in this case, I think it’s the right decision.

Scenario number two is me reaching out to Bobbie.  Also not likely, because I have no idea what she is thinking or what her new spouse knows or what she would want him to know.  My goal is not to interfere in her relationships.  This goal is purely in good faith.  Bobbie telling me no, or simply not responding doesn’t bother me.  I mean, it would bother me because I couldn’t fulfill the last part of my puzzle, but not bother me in the way one would think.

So, if we can’t approach each other for various reasons, then what?  That is a good question.  And the gist of my whole problem.  Now, if she knew that I was a willing participant, or I knew that she was, this would be easy.  She still would never reach out to me, way too cowardly, but since I’m not cowardly in the least, I wouldn’t have a problem with it all.  But, we are still back to where we started, neither of us know what either of us is thinking.  Hell, sometimes I don’t know what I’m thinking myself.

I considered that we could run into each other, but in four years we haven’t once ran into each other even once, despite our close proximity to each other in location.   The only place that I could possibly run into her would be a restaurant near where she works.  But, that wouldn’t work, as this is not a lunch time conversation.  I purposely avoid all of those locations.  This is a conversation that requires time.

I have contemplated many times what I would say.  But, the truth is, I don’t think it’s something I can plan.  When you’re angry you plan what you’re going to say.  I’m not angry.  Of course she doesn’t know this.  I’m just looking for a peaceful conversation between two (used to be) friends about our lives.  I don’t know what I would say.  Maybe that’s why my favorite scenario is being caught off guard by running into her.  I want to be caught off guard.  I want my mind to be totally blank when I encounter her.  I want her mind to be blank as well.  I think that scenario would reveal the deepest of conversations, the most healing for me….and maybe her.

So, we have three scenarios.  None of which are likely to happen in reality.  So now what?   Sit back and wait for something?  What?









2 thoughts on “Questions

  1. Women like that never have a blank mind. They spend their life doing so many calculating, manipulative things that their mind can’t be blank. They have to always, always plan ahead for when things go awry and they have to cover up something, change the story, be someone different. Her mind is never blank, and it must be exhausting to live that kind of life.

    As for you …. just let it go until the moment happens that you do run into her. Then take it from there. She isn’t worth the occupancy in your mind. She isn’t worth much at all, to be honest. You have gone a lot easier in your feelings towards her than a lot of people would be.

    1. I can agree with a lot of what you have said. But, I do know from past experience with her that there is a part of her, albeit a small part, that does want to be a good person. There’s no doubt that she’s also manipulative and calculating. I won’t disagree with that. But, honestly, in this case, I don’t think she’s thinking of me at all. She has moved on completely. The only part of me that might stick in her mind is her belief in Karma, and she doesn’t want that Karma hanging over her head. I realize that I do not have the same feelings toward her as others do toward their OWs. I wish I could understand it myself.

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