One of the things my husband and I decided to do over Christmas break was to watch the TV show This is Us. We could stream the whole season on Hulu, so every evening we watched it together. I don’t know if you have ever seen this show, but if you haven’t you should. It’s actually a show about something, it’s meaningful, insightful and deep. The show is not about affairs or cheating, but it is about relationships, all kinds of relationships; parent/child, husband/wife, brother/sister, brother/brother. The show goes back and forth in episodes between the past and the present. And, in doing so, it does quite an excellent job of clearing the fog about what makes us who we are as people, and most especially in our relationships. My husband and I both love it. We have one more episode left to watch.
As you watch these people, that you will grow to love, deal with their lives and who they are and who they want to be and who they were, one thing becomes clear. The flashbacks are an important part of the show. You need the flashbacks to see the history of these people and to understand the hows and the whys. The past is an integral part of them. Maybe it’s the most important part. Without a doubt, the history is the deepest part.
We, as survivors of affairs, concentrate so hard on moving forward. We make it our goal to move forward. We make it our goal to not look back, to fast-forward like our lives are a VCR tape. Only our lives are not VCR tapes. It’s something that has been bugging me for so long, to just skip past the hard part and concentrate on moving forward. It’s the one thing that’s been holding me back in my healing. I have never believed that moving forward was the whole answer. Dealing with the past is also part of the answer. The past is part of who we are, whether we like it or not. We need those flashbacks. We don’t think that we do, but we absolutely do.
I had hoped that I could keep moving forward and not deal with my issues with Bobbie. But, I know that I can pretend to move forward. Nobody would be the wiser. Only I would know. I would know that there are things left to be seen through the fog that need to be clearer. I have no idea how I will accomplish this.
But, I do now know that the only way to really move forward is to look back.
I will look back.