After reading some blogs today and reading some comments and answering, something struck me. I remembered something that my husband had said to me a pretty long time ago, something I probably should have listened to, a thought I would have been better for if I had entertained that thought. He told me that I thought more about her than he did. I blew that off pretty quick, since he likely said it in the heat of an argument (I can’t remember the actual circumstances now). But, yikes, he was right. The affair, I can’t really say that I think about that too much anymore, and I haven’t for a while. She is another story. She infiltrates herself into my thoughts whether I want her there or not. The affair isn’t holding me back….she is holding me back.
And from reading other blogs on infidelity, most of us have the same problem. We seem to be able to let the affair go, but letting the OW go…..we can’t do it. We all know it’s torturing ourselves, our husbands, our family to keep her on the back burner, but we continue regardless. Are we all women who thrive on drama? Are we gluttons for punishment? Have we lost our minds? What is it that makes us hold on to the OW with every fiber of our being?
I originally felt like I wanted to have a closing conversation with Bobbie. I felt like if I could make that happen, healing would be final. I would dream about that conversation, and have hundreds of mock conversations with her in my head. Her contact info is still in my phone. I could have contacted her at any given time if I truly wanted that conversation. She could oblige, she could ignore, she could say no. That would have been more of an attempt at closure than what I was doing, which in essence was nothing, but entertaining a lot of thoughts about her, someone I had not spoken to in four years, and trying to “guess” what she might do or say after all that time. Maybe, just maybe, I didn’t want that conversation as much as I didn’t want to let her go. Is holding onto her my crutch?
I forgave my husband a long time ago. I don’t ever hold the affair over his head or use it in an argument about something else. We truly have moved on from the affair. I have not moved on from her, and I don’t know why. I feel like I purposely will not let her go. And I need to figure out how to do that. I never realized how far from the affair I had actually moved on, and how much closer I had moved toward her at the same time.
These past few weeks I have made a conscious effort to halt this resistance to give her up for good. It has not been easy and I have failed a few times. But, I learned in my process with the affair that taking an occasional step backwards does not equal defeat. As long as the sum total of my steps are moving me forward I am not failing for a few missteps.