Is it the affair or the OW holding you back?

After reading some blogs today and reading some comments and answering, something struck me.  I remembered something that my husband had said to me a pretty long time ago, something I probably should have listened to, a thought I would have been better for if I had entertained that thought.  He told me that I thought more about her than he did.  I blew that off pretty quick, since he likely said it in the heat of an argument (I can’t remember the actual circumstances now).  But, yikes, he was right.  The affair, I can’t really say that I think about that too much anymore, and I haven’t for a while.  She is another story.  She infiltrates herself into my thoughts whether I want her there or not.  The affair isn’t holding me back….she is holding me back.

And from reading other blogs on infidelity, most of us have the same problem.  We seem to be able to let the affair go, but letting the OW go…..we can’t do it.  We all know it’s torturing ourselves, our husbands, our family to keep her on the back burner, but we continue regardless.  Are we all women who thrive on drama?  Are we gluttons for punishment?  Have we lost our minds?  What is it that makes us hold on to the OW with every fiber of our being?

I originally felt like I wanted to have a closing conversation with Bobbie.  I felt like if I could make that happen, healing would be final.  I would dream about that conversation, and have hundreds of mock conversations with her in my head.  Her contact info is still in my phone.  I could have contacted her at any given time if I truly wanted that conversation.  She could oblige, she could ignore, she could say no.  That would have been more of an attempt at closure than what I was doing, which in essence was nothing, but entertaining a lot of thoughts about her, someone I had not spoken to in four years, and trying to “guess” what she might do or say after all that time.  Maybe, just maybe, I didn’t want that conversation as much as I didn’t want to let her go.  Is holding onto her my crutch?

I forgave my husband a long time ago.  I don’t ever hold the affair over his head or use it in an argument about something else.  We truly have moved on from the affair.  I have not moved on from her, and I don’t know why.  I feel like I purposely will not let her go.  And I need to figure out how to do that.  I never realized how far from the affair I had actually moved on, and how much closer I had moved toward her at the same time.

These past few weeks I have made a conscious effort to halt this resistance to give her up for good.  It has not been easy and I have failed a few times.  But, I learned in my process with the affair that taking an occasional step backwards does not equal defeat.  As long as the sum total of my steps are moving me forward I am not failing for a few missteps.

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9 thoughts on “Is it the affair or the OW holding you back?

  1. It’s definitely her that holds me back. I’m not proud of that at all. Here’s my hurdle: wh started his affair 3 months after he moved us far from home. We lived there for 3 yrs and when the whole truth came out my big condition for reconciling was that we move back home. He took care of it and we are back where we need to be. We lived in a beautiful city but it was a toxic place of reminders for me. Problem is, he still goes there 2/3 nights a week. Mow is long gone, unless he has gone so far underground. And I’ve dug on his computer, phones, everything. He leaves the iPad at home and I can watch texts come in. So in the 2+ years since their last contact, which was her firing, there’s nothing to be found. So when he’s gone, he either sleeps at his mother’s – narc who wanted the marriage to end and supported the mow, or in hotels – trigger city. He put gps on everything, so he’s always where he says. But 2-3 nights a week, I’m in a triggery mode. The scab gets picked off and my fight/flight kicks in.

    So my healing is hampered every week by all this. And since the only part of this whole thing still a mystery to me is the mow, I obsess. I desperately want to be able to see her Facebook so I have an idea of her whereabouts, but I’m blocked. I try to come up with people who could friend her so I could look. I feel foolish. But I’d love to see her posts – I just want to know if she’s lurking near where he is. Not a way to live. I doubt wh even thinks about her, he’s too embarrassed by his association with her, but I’m dying to know. I think it’s a female thing.

    My name is lemondrop and I’m an obsessive compulsive cyber stalker.

    1. I get it. Bobbie still worked with my husband for months before she finally left. Every day was a trigger for me. I honestly can’t tell you how I got through that. I used to obsess about knowing what Bobbie was doing too. I would try to find out what her FB said as well. And even though I do have someone to ask, I rarely do. One of her closest friends used to “volunteer” stuff to me, which I always thought Bobbie told her to do. It just seems fishy, you know? She was sending me links to her wedding photos, etc. It was like she wanted to make sure I knew she got married. But, on the flip side of this, I was getting information about when things weren’t going so well for her. So, who knows.

  2. Oh lemon you are not alone!! Every once in awhile I FB stalk Kendra’s family to still see pictures of her it’s been awhile since but the want is there even if I haven’t done it
    I still remember her phone number
    I still want to change how I handled meeting her in the mental ward and beat the ever living fuck out of her
    But all of these things don’t add up to creating a new life for myself
    I don’t know why I can’t let go of her like I’ve let Charles go

  3. I’m in the same boat. Can’t let go of the trashy whore who wanted my husband and my life. It’s crazy. I still ask him occasionally if she has contacted him. I too want to call her to get closure, but after 2 1/2 years I feel that she would get some sick pleasure that I’m still thinking about their affair and that she had/has the upper hand and then would reach out to him. It’s exhausting thinking of it and puts me in an emotionally bad place.

    1. Like I said, I haven’t talked to Bobbie in several years, so it’s hard to know what she could be thinking. Sometimes I convince myself that she likely would like to have that conversation with me. Other times I think why would she. This is where I’m at, I would be surprised if she contacted me, and I would not be surprised if she contacted me. I think if she did contact me, she would probably send some sort of signal first that she is open to talking, like unblocking me on FB or something very subtle like that, just to feel me out. If I re-block her from my end, she would know I had no interest in talking to her. If I leave it, she figures I am open to it. That way she suffers no humiliation either way. Because this is the deal, she has no idea what I’m thinking. She has no idea if I want to talk to her or not. She would be guessing just like me. I still think it would bring closure, and I would do it. I would not tell my husband, or anybody but you guys, if I did. That’s where I’m at.

      1. For the record, I wouldn’t tell my husband to be dishonest. I just don’t think it would be necessary to dredge that all up to him again. He seems to be past it and content to be so.

      2. My husband’s OW blocked myself and our oldest daughter on FB early on. She never wanted to be found and they made sure not to be friends on FB. It wasn’t hard to find her though. I keep up with her life through an alternate account. I know I need to stop. I wrote her a letter about 2 years ago thinking that was my closure, but it wasn’t. It just pisses me off that she gets to move on like nothing happened and I’m stuck with her in my head possibly forever.

      3. Bobbie and I have many mutual friends, and I used to have an alternate account, I suppose it’s still there, but I don’t even remember how I got on it. Her picture did come up on my FB once in a group shot with one of my friends. I picked her out immediately. It was a weird seeing her. I have been pissed off as well that she just got to move on. You know, I have no idea if she’s still friends with my kids, never thought about it. I doubt she is though. I know for a fact my oldest would have deleted her. I’m glad I stopped trying to look. It’s liberating. She possesses less and less of my mind as each day goes by.

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