The Healing Process

My husband and I have a conversation scheduled.  I think without actually saying it to each other, it will be the last time we ever talk about her or the affair again.  It’s funny, because I’m not sure how I feel about the possibility that we would never speak of her again, well, at least not in conjunction with the affair.  Suffering is something that becomes so easily a part of us.  All of that suffering becomes a comfortable place to be, we get used to the suffering.  And maybe that’s because our egos tell us that we should never have to suffer, which in reality probably makes us suffer a little more than necessary.  We absorb the suffering while trying to repel it at the same time.  Truthfully, it’s the suffering that saves us, once we let it in and accept it for what it is.  Suffering is the bridge to healing once we figure it out.  Healing means allowing yourself to let all of that suffering go, for good, which is hard, because we are faced fighting an ego that says we never deserved to suffer to begin with.

My husband has rarely surprised me in the 28 years I’ve known him.  Of course the affair was a surprise, but there have been few real surprises from him.  He is a fairly predictable man.  But, I like that.  He has told me countless times that he’s sure I can read his mind.  It’s really just that I know him so well.  I see him.  But, tonight he did surprise me, but this time it was a good surprise.  We were talking about when we planned to have this conversation this weekend, and he told me something that about his preparation for this conversation.  The fact that he’s preparing tells me a lot.  First and foremost, the finality of this talk.  And a lot of other things too.

Throughout this entire healing process we have both had to remind ourselves that healing our relationship was three-faceted.  I had to heal from what he had done to me.  He had to heal from what she had done to him and what he had done to me.  And our relationship had to heal.  It’s most important to realize that the relationship will never heal without the healing of both of us individually.  It’s probably a common mistake in the healing of marriages and relationships, to not take into account that both parties have something to heal from before the healing of the partnership.  And while it’s probably not a common belief, the person who actually had the affair likely has a lot more to heal from than the victim, especially if they have any thread of a conscience.  Being betrayed is a hard pair of shoes to be in  Being betrayed by someone else and by your own self is a much harder pair of shoes to be in.

My husband and I worked on our individual healing in our own ways.  Mine was much more vocal, but not at first.  First, it was very quiet.  And then I started this blog and talked to close friends.  More than half the time it was me who initiated conversations with him about this.  He has been very quiet the entire time.  I am not including our talks with each other, just his own individual healing process.  While he has described what goes on his head to me (something like a hurricane), the weather of his personal being is calm.  His healing is private.  At first I criticized his method of healing, but once he described what was actually occurring in his head, I understood.  We heal differently.  Like anything else, the method doesn’t matter, as long as you get the correct result.

We worked together, yet apart, on healing the damaged parts of ourselves.  We came together at intervals to work on the damaged parts of the marriage.  This last conversation is the last part of the healing process for my husband’s individual healing of self.  He has been preparing for this moment for a long time now.  Despite many in-depth conversations about the affair, this one will be the one that takes us to the next level.  It will be hard for him and heart-wrenching for me, but necessary suffering for us both to heal the “us”.

While I welcome this last piece of his puzzle, a necessary piece to say the least, I am reminded that my final piece of my healing, that conversation with her, will not happen.  I have accepted that fact.  And I have also accepted that while this conversation with him is necessary for him, my conversation with her is not necessary.  It’s a want and not a need.  I have healed regardless of her.   My marriage will be healed regardless of her, in spite of her.

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4 thoughts on “The Healing Process

  1. I don’t think my husband is willing to do his part of the healing. I know he needs to for this to survive. I am doing it on a major level. He’s dragging his feet. It’s frustrating. But you are totally right and I am seeing that truth more clearly each day that it has to be individual first then us. My fear is he’ll never do it and I’ll end up moving on because he can’t catch up to me. I think I’d be fine, but I don’t wan that for my children. That life makes me sad for them.

    1. Mine husband wasn’t willing at first either. And then I was never sure that he was actively working on it. But, I did ask him about it and he was working on it, just in his own way. Men are so different. But, as time went on the changes I saw in his behavior told me that he was working on it, and I did question him about it. Keep working on you! And with kids it’s such a different story. I would have went to the ends of the earth to keep my kids from suffering any more than they already had.

  2. I agree it is critical, necessary for individual healing to result in US healing. This: “Truthfully, it’s the suffering that saves us, once we let it in and accept it for what it is.” I’ve found this true in my personal process, and in HUSBANDs.
    Thank you for this post…and thinking peace for you both through this difficult conversation.
    Hugs!

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