I took some time away from my blog, a mental health break. I was trying to think through my next steps, if there are any steps left. There are no manuals on how to work through and get past an affair. But, I suppose there are blogs like these that we can all share our stories. And, really, that’s what we all really want…to be heard. I have been thinking all of this time that my moment of final healing, when the last of the wound loses its scab and all that is left is a faint scar that only I, and only if I stared really hard, could see, would come once I had a real face-to-face sit-down with Bobbie. I thought that because I thought that she understood the true dynamic of the whole affair, her, being the only other one there besides my husband and me. Her, the third participant in a bizarre tale of love and loss. Love and loss.
Love is the catalyst here, not Bobbie. If I’m honest with myself, and all of you, I will say that I do believe that she felt what she believed to be love for him, despite the knowledge that he wasn’t the only one. The problem with Bobbie’s love is the fact she doesn’t really understand what love really is exactly. She perceives it as that heady feeling we all got in the beginning of our relationships. And that’s where it ends for her. After that fire burns down she can’t find the love any longer, because she doesn’t quite realize that real love is what is left when that fire burns low. She lacks the value of commitment. She doesn’t respect her partners, whoever they are, enough to be faithful. The ultimate irony here is that she stated my husband showed her what love was. But, love is not cheating on your wife and hiding you in secret from the rest of the world. That realization hit me today. I was never hidden, and she always was. There was no respect either way between the two of them, there was no real commitment, therefore there was no real love, only the perception that feeling heady equals love.
I think a lot about loss. Hers, his…mine. And I used to believe that we all three had lost something and gained something. Do I think she felt the loss of him? I know my husband, and from the moment I found out and questioned him about the affair, which he said was absolutely nothing, and at that point it wasn’t anything, I knew she would fall for him. He’s not your “typical” guy. However, the loss she felt was on the surface, the loss of his presence and his company, but most importantly, the loss of the battle. The loss she felt was the kind that can only be described as a skinned knee…wait a week and it’s over. At first, I believed that I had lost more than both of them together. The selfish part of me still wants to think that sometimes. I did lose a lot, my peace of mind at the top of that list. I lost being the “only one” to my husband. I lost the reality that all of my children will always see the blemish on my husband, no matter how faint it becomes. But, most of the things I have lost are found again. In this threesome, my husband has lost the most by far. He will always have a halo of doubt around his head, though it may be faint, there will always be a question of his faithfulness. He will never ever be able to fully regain his integrity and honor. My forgiveness or lack thereof won’t change that fact, because HE will know. He will have to live with this gruesome fact the rest of his life, that he cheated on his family. And he will have to live with that fact while knowing she wasn’t being faithful to him either and he gave it all up and almost lost it all for nothing.
What is next? Wouldn’t it be great to know the answer to that question? I don’t know what’s next. But, realizing that LOVE is the catalyst here and not her has changed my view of the future. I really don’t need her at all to heal. Her words will not alter the facts. She moved on so easily from all of this because she feels no remorse, no empathy. Do I regret feeling empathy for her, no. I don’t need to have the last laugh here. I won’t be the one standing back and applauding the ultimate end to any of her relationships. I won’t be pulling a Jennifer Aniston and calling her to tell her that Karma is finally calling her. That won’t be me. I realize that she would be that person exactly. Her actions will not affect my actions. I’ve been down the road of forgiveness and healing. I forgive her. I know she doesn’t deserve forgiveness.
There was a time when I felt like Humpty Dumpty. I didn’t feel like I could ever be put back together. I couldn’t even feel myself in that heap of pieces, I was hovering somewhere above watching it all in slow-motion. I’m not hovering any longer. The pieces are back together. The cracks are still noticeable. But, I’m sitting high on top of that wall and I won’t be letting anybody push me off again. And if that is the definition of healing, then I have healed.