“Well your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew ya
She tied you to her kitchen chair
And she broke your throne and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah“
Whenever I hear this song, this verse always stands out. Most especially the part about breaking his throne and being able to get that Hallelujah. We all know she broke his throne. He knows she broke his throne. I wonder if she knows she broke his throne? Of course, knowing is one thing, caring is another. The chances that she actually realizes what she has done are slim. The chances that she realizes what she has done and cares….nonexistent.
I’ve seen my husband standing in the rubble of this broken throne for a while now. The stark reality has hit him that some things can never be fixed. Once lies and deceit are realized, there’s no going back. Forever you are marked, even if you never lie or be deceitful again. And that is such a hefty price to pay for a few rolls in the hay with someone you found out wasn’t even the remotest of who you hoped they were. I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I feel bad for him. No matter what he has done, I still love him, and it still makes me angry that someone would stoop that low to hurt him for absolutely no reason or because they needed to win some sad game. I get it..he hurt me too and for the same exact “no reason”.
The hallelujah chorus, we all know what that one means. We all know that one is more difficult to deal with than anything else that we will ever face. The ultimate betrayal, the ultimate pain.
A few days ago I read this blog from my friend Saving Shards. https://savingshards.com/2016/09/10/choosing/
It’s mind-boggling that these OW are so selfish and narcissist, and all at once. And none of them ever think they did anything wrong. And reading about what these OW think and how they feel reminded me of something she wrote. I can specifically remember Bobbie actually believing that her happiness was the most important thing. And how her wanting more was nothing to be ashamed of. And she even wrote a blog about wanting more. I can’t give you the link for obvious reasons, but I can help you a little to find it.
oneoutfitoneday wordpress 2012/7/20 more
When I read the words she wrote, I cringe. How in the world does somebody get to that point in their life where they become that shallow? And leave no doubt that when she promises the journey will be an adventure that was a direct message to my husband and probably someone else’s husband too. I look back on what I was dealing with regarding her and I honestly don’t know how I did it and stayed sane. I mean, saying that you are complacent and satisfied with the status quo (hidden meaning, your spouse) then there’s something wrong with you?!
Almost exactly 6 months after she wrote this she would call me to tell me all of the sordid details she could come up with about their affair. She will give him the ultimatum. He will choose me. She will lose her mind.
In 6 months it will have all changed for all three of us. The three of us who were intertwined like the roots of a tree, will break free, the love triangle falling away, mostly in theory at that time, later in reality. And it would be more than a year after that we find out the truth about her, the truth I always knew, but couldn’t prove. Part of me is glad that proof came later instead of during. Had it come during she would have found a way to convince him it wasn’t true or excuse it away as a mistake she had made. She is good at excusing away her behavior.
When I read that blog again, the anger comes flooding back. I know it will be short-lived, but it makes an appearance. I wonder where the courage came from for me to forgive her, when she is someone who probably doesn’t deserve forgiveness? She really was, as you can see, ruthless in her pursuit of him. And finding out that he wasn’t the only affair she had going on perhaps makes it even worse for the simple reason it was for nothing at all, except her selfishness and desire to win at all costs. She never loved him. She only used him. I actually told him that once, a month or two after we found out that he wasn’t the only one. I said, “It really makes me mad that you were so hung up on somebody that only pretended to love you, and I actually did“. He responded by saying that he wasn’t hung up on her….he was, of course, but I never held this comment against him. He was blindsided and his defense mechanisms kicked in. Today, his answer is much different.
Healing as so many different facets. Of all the blogs I read, I rarely see anyone mention that the one who did the betraying is dealing with their own baggage, as well as the marital baggage. I have tried, at least after things calmed down, to remember that my husband also has healing that is other than the marriage healing. He had his own demons to work through. I had mine. And men deal with things so much differently than women do. And he was much better at being normal, even while his own healing is going on. I also say that my oldest takes after my husband in this respect: when the hammer came down and he found out that she was also cheating on him ( I’m not sure that’s the right term here, but you know what I mean), he was done. He didn’t think about it much or consider it much. He still had things to work through, but deep in his heart, those things he was working on changed when he found out the truth. His sole healing goal became to heal us. Maybe he didn’t do it the way he was supposed to, but he swept her under the rug and forged ahead, dragging me along.
I am working on sweeping her under the rug. Each day gets easier and easier. Each day she moves a little further into the recesses of my mind. It helps that she seems to have disappeared herself. Every day is progress.
My hardest obstacle has been the hallelujah. That’s a tough one. I wonder if I will ever get that image out of my mind. I know from my conversations with him, that he pushes even the remotest thoughts of her away. I wish I knew how to do that, because let’s face it, there’s nothing worse than knowing that from his lips she drew that hallelujah.