I have been considering closing shop on this blog. Maybe it’s not helping me any longer? Maybe it’s actually holding me back. I’m coming here more often than ever to write, but at the same time I feel like maybe I could come to full healing if I stopped writing and stopped thinking about the whole thing. After all, it has been over three years since I found out. If you asked my husband he would say we are great. I am the hold up and I have to ask myself why I’m the hold up.
As more and more days pass without Bobbie…..I have only been to her blog once in the last few weeks, she hasn’t been to mine for a few days……I have had moments of weakness and I have had moments of feeling quite lost. And maybe that’s why I’ve been writing more and more, it keeps me away from her. Instead of traveling over to her blog, I travel over to this one and write down how I’m feeling. I have nearly accepted the fact that a conversation with her will not happen, at least not now. Maybe ten years from now I’ll run into her and we both will embrace that conversation. ( I actually can see that happening in my mind’s eye )
I have learned through this experience that our souls have different ideas than our heads or our hearts. I’ve learned that things are not black and white ever. And, I’ve learned to try to appreciate the grey areas. I’ve learned to forgive and I’ve learned to feel empathy for someone I probably shouldn’t. I’ve learned to look at things from other perspectives than my own.
At this moment I have no idea what to do next, keep writing, stop writing, start a whole new blog? Unknown. I hate unknown. Your thoughts?