I have successfully avoided going to the OW’s blogs now for a few weeks. But, today I’m feeling weak. She has not stopped coming to mine. I have no idea if I’m supposed to read between the lines there and assume she is trying to tell me something or she’s just tormenting me. I feel like the more I avoid her, the more she doesn’t avoid me. Did I mention I feel weak today?
I suppose if I’m honest it goes much deeper than me just avoiding her blogs. Reminders of her seem to be everywhere these days, either taunting me or pulling me in like a gigantic magnet, I can never tell which. And I wonder if she is experiencing the same things and wondering the same things. Is the universe harassing her as well?
I had attempted months and months ago to speak to her in a public blog…which was really hard, because it’s public and friends who know what happened are reading it. However, there was no reciprocation of any kind, which should be my answer to all of my questions. I guess it could also be that she just didn’t get it. Or it could be that she’s just tormenting me. In truth, during the affair, she found multiple ways to send me “messages” without ever really contacting me. She made sure I knew exactly what was going on. So, again, I guess that’s my answer.
The hardest part of dealing with all of these feelings is having no real person to talk to about them. I have my readers here and that is it. Today, that worked out, because I was able to reason this all out. But, I do long for a person who would understand my deepest thoughts about all of this.