I think the universe likes to mess with me. Maybe it’s trying to see how much I can handle. Or maybe it’s trying to tell me not to walk away just yet that there’s more to come. Maybe it’s just pure coincidence. Or maybe it’s just giving me things to blog about not even one day after blogging.
Tonight the new mom “Bobbie” came up to sit beside me at practice. She brought her black lab, Izzy, which by coincidence, the OW Bobbie also has a black lab, Sydney. Thankfully different names or I would have been freaked out. When she sat down and said hi, I played along…hi, Bobbie, right? She said yeah, but I have forgotten your name. The rest of the parents on my team know I am terrible with names and are likely in awe at my amazing new-found memory recollection. In my head I’m thinking I will never forget your name. Not ever. Later a little girl came over to pet the dog. What’s your name, she asked new mom. (this would have went better had she asked the name of the dog instead) Bobbie, she said…again. All of these new introductions, all of the times she will say the name Bobbie in my presence, all of it a little unnerving….all so difficult to hide. Other mom Bobbie did tell the little girl that her true name was Roberta…okay, that’s different, right? OW Bobbie is just Bobbie.
I looked up new mom Bobbie on Facebook. She is listed as Roberta. That is a relief really. We will eventually probably end up Facebook friends. I told my husband about this new mom Bobbie. We agree that some things you just can’t make up. He was not moved by this name infiltrating into my life at all. I didn’t ask, but he likely thinks nothing about it.
It seems the more I want to discard OW Bobbie the more Bobbie shows up. This weekend while doing some general cleaning I happened upon a book the OW had loaned me. I suppose it had been laying in plain sight for quite a while and I accidentally bumped it with the laundry basket and it dropped to the floor from some unknown location on top of something else. I stared at it and picked it up from the floor. Maybe if I didn’t know any better I would believe that it fell for a reason, an attention getter, a message.
Whatever the reason, I picked it up and took the picture. Maybe I took the picture to prove that I’m not crazy, or maybe to prove that it was just a simple coincidence, perfectly explainable. I mean, seriously, new mom Bobbie, did not move here from Minnesota just to give me subliminal messages from OW Bobbie…. it just seems like it. And this book did not fall from the sky to get my attention. Maybe I am creating this bizarro world myself and nothing is as it appears to be.
I don’t talk to my husband about my desire to converse with the OW. He wouldn’t understand really….I mean, let’s face it, I really can’t think of anyone who would understand. I keep it to myself. Sometimes I feel like I’m being dishonest with him because I don’t share this part. But, I always justify it by imagining that he has his own thoughts regarding her, whether they be good or bad. It makes sense how they call it a love triangle. I mean, that’s really what it is if you carefully think about it.
I suppose people do heal without all three players on the field, or maybe they just think they have won and conquered their demons only playing with two. Maybe.
My husband and I have very nearly emerged from this tragedy. There are odds and ends I suppose, and he would tell you we have fully exited and are moving on. And maybe that’s what prevents me from full healing, that he doesn’t realize that I’m still in the process. I suppose I shouldn’t expect him to read my mind though. And, in reality, I’m not sure this part of the healing process has much to do with him anyway. It’s between her and me. And, in all likelihood, it’s just me. I’m still second guessing what to do, if I do anything at all.
I think it’s normal to try to force our lives back into the way they were before, before we knew there was something to fear. We try to build a fortress around us and attempt to live our life the old way in the hopes the wall will keep the things we are afraid of out. But you quickly conclude that it is not your old life really at all. It’s your new life with a wall around it. You only thought you were choosing your old life.
The way I see this, the way that seems to be so different from everyone else, is I can either choose to hide or choose to get right to the heart of the one thing that scares me.