Despite the insurmountable amount of alikeness the OW and I share, of the few things that are different, one of them is a huge difference. I recently heard this song by O.A.R. called I Go Through.
The chorus is:
But you go ’round and around it
You go over and under
I go through
Bobbie goes around and around it and over and under, but never through. That’s me. I go through. I always have. And it explains my desire to have a conversation with the OW. I can’t go around. My instinct is to go through. Her instinct is to just get around it, in any way that she can.
Maybe it’s fear on her part. I remember when I first found out about the affair the first thing I did was request a conversation with her. She did not want that conversation. But, she did give it to me. She told my husband after how uncomfortable she was with that conversation. I went through.
My husband always asks me to search for things he wants the answer to on the internet because he knows I know just how to search…directly. And it works every time. He either overthinks the question or just isn’t clear enough. I am direct. I go through.
As I was listening to this song today, it reiterated to me that she still doesn’t go through. She goes around. My desired conversation with her will never happen, except in my head.
The challenge here for me is silencing the part of me that still wants to go through and accepting the part of her that would rather go around. In all fairness I really don’t know if she would talk to me. I’m guessing. But, evidence suggests that she would rather avoid me at all costs. Does she fully avoid me? No. She knows how to stay just under the radar, she goes over and under. Do I avoid her? I don’t, and I’m never under the radar. I go through.
I have to assume that if she wanted to go through she would.
I’m learning to live with a puzzle piece that’s missing.
What scares me is the fact that the things we don’t face become our limits.