I suppose one great thing about the busyness that goes around with fall is the fact that it keeps you so busy that you don’t have time to think about much else! And, usually there are no night-time moments of staying awake thinking about the past because your busy day has made you tired enough to fall asleep pretty quickly. Or, there’s nights like tonight when I missed my window and am currently wide awake! So, I thought I would blog, even though I really don’t have anything to blog about at the moment! I suppose that’s pretty darn good for this particular blog. So maybe just a general blog about whatever!
I will try to keep this blog about nothing away from what consumes our life every single day too….sports! And believe me, that’s just like going to dinner with your spouse and trying not to talk about the kids! When that is what your life is about it is generally what you want to talk about. But, I will not! Maybe I will talk about me, the me that has been left intact despite the affair. Believe it or not, there is some of me that escaped unharmed.
For the most part, I grew up in a small town, a tomboy until I was 12 and discovered that boys don’t like tomboys. This is a stark difference from my super feminist daughter who will argue with you until the end that colors have no gender. So, I did my best to be more girly. Now, I always looked like a girl, but hated dresses and would rather play whiffle ball than Barbie. My best friend growing up was a boy. Everybody thought we would get married some day. And I never really got the whole “girly” thing, but I faked my way through it and somehow survived. Today I’m a mom to five children ranging in ages from 23-14. I guess I “got” that part of being girl. All I have ever wanted was to be a mom. And I love it. I suppose I’m still a tomboy and I still hate dresses, regardless of how many times I’ve given birth! My kids tell me every day I’m the best mom ever. Somehow I managed through even the worst of it all.
My sister tells me that I’m the most positive person she knows. Another part of me that survived, although I will admit there were times I was hanging by a thread on that one. I hung on to that thread though for a long, long time. I was determined that if I was ever going to break, it would not be because of either of them. I pulled myself back up. I want to say it was all for the kids, but I will come clean and say that it was because I was determined to survive. I was determined that I would come out the winner, regardless of the outcome. I would not allow their actions to determine my happiness. That, my friends, is not an easy task. Daily, we allow others to have an effect on our mood, and they usually are not as important as our spouses.
I think one of the hardest things a person ever has to do after they have been cheated on is to be able to love again, fully. Loving requires us to be completely vulnerable and exposed. And no woman ( or man I suppose ) wants to ever feel vulnerable or exposed again. That is a real and viable threat to everything we are trying to recover from. If it fails, it could be catastrophic, and in a mental way. You are really putting yourself out there when you make the decision to love again after pain like that. When you first love you have no idea how it really feels to be in that kind of pain. So you love freely and uninhibited. But, now we know. We know what it feels like to be hit by a car and ran over repeatedly with the person you love and respect behind the wheel. It’s only natural to want to wear full body armor. I wore that armor for a while, but it’s heavy and restricting. I went back to loving freely. I’ll take my chances.
We are always talking about what has changed for us in our affair experiences. But, there are plenty of things that keep arising out of the dust, parts of the old us, that have stayed the same. And that old us is important. Being able to breathe the old air back in makes a difference. It reminds us of who we are and where we have been.
Maybe this wasn’t a blog about nothing after all.