Trigger Unhappy

It’s funny, but I went to several places that he had taken her all within a month’s time.  One, while we were on vacation, was the place she had once said, according to her friend at least, held her favorite memory.  That memory was when she was there with my husband on a business trip.  I didn’t even ask him to take me to this one….but we just wandered in there and got some ice cream.  Anti-climatic.  And the trip to the resort was also anti-climatic.  But, for some reason, the first day of school as he stood at my bedside to hug me goodbye it all came flooding back, wave upon waves.

Maybe it’s because for a very long time, as he stood there telling me good-bye and that he loved me all of those mornings, I knew as soon as he left he would call her, and at the very least see her at work, and now I know lots of other places.  I wasn’t prepared for those feelings.  I had not experienced them in a very long time.

I guess we never really know what will trigger those memories for us, but clearly not what  you might think.  The mind really does work in mysterious ways.

Most things are completely normal.  I never spy on him…I mean, I never did before either. It still sends shock waves when I allow my brain to entertain the fact that he really did cheat.  Of course he really never has his phone on him except at work, there’s no need to be suspicious or check.  It lies out in the open fully accessible to any of us who might want to look at it.  He frequently asks me to read him emails, etc.  Normal.  Not even new normal.  Old normal.  A shred of that does still exist.

As normal has inched its way back into our lives, I’m not sure either of us really even realized it was happening.  Normal snuck in the back door.  I guess we both welcomed it.  And then there’s new normal residing with us too.  His need to always tell me where he is going to be, calling me more than usual from work,  being much more understanding and helpful about almost everything.  New normal.

And despite all of those normals living here alongside us, triggers still find a way in.  I thought I had them all at bay, dealt with nicely, no regrets pushing them out the door, but I imagine if I had a trigger that means it’s something I need to address.  One step forward, and sometimes a step back.  I’m not too worried about it at all.  Normal as well to move forward and then have to step back occasionally.

So, I will step back into this trigger and try to figure it out.

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6 thoughts on “Trigger Unhappy

    1. That would be cool, wouldn’t it? I have a feeling that would be a very long dinner! I imagine we all feel pretty much the same. I really have no real live person to talk to though. Nobody really quite understands me. I don’t think I handled this the way most people expected. And if I told anybody here that I would welcome a conversation with the OW they would probably stop talking to me! haha

      1. Bobbie was honest with me before. I feel like she would be honest now. I mean, what is the point in lying. I think my husband was the one doing the lying during that time period. Of course, this does not include omitting the fact to both my husband and me that she was sleeping with other people as well. I had a dream a few weeks ago that we did meet and have a conversation. I really want it to happen, I just have no idea how to make it happen. I would want it between me and her, I wouldn’t’ even tell him. But, I don’t see her or have contact with her, and I can promise you she will never make that move, although she should. It’s the last piece to my healing. It seems strange that a conversation with her is all that is standing between this side and that side. I wonder if she feels the same way?

      2. I imagine it nags at Bobbie. But, at the same time, I doubt her pride would ever allow her to act on that feeling. I could be wrong I suppose. It’s entirely possible she has changed. But, as a woman, I can’t imagine that it wouldn’t nag at you to at the very least offer up an explanation, an apology, anything as an olive branch. I know that if the roles were reversed I would do that. My thinking is that she doesn’t know how I would respond. She may be more likely to extend that olive branch if she knows it would be received positively. But, honestly, my last encounter with her was anything but positive. She probably thinks I would not be receptive. She has no idea how far I’ve come in this journey. So, I do understand that.

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