It’s taken a bit of time, but when I first found out there was another husband that the OW was sleeping with I was so overwhelmed, it actually took me time to switch those gears. And even though it was an absolute wonderful thing….it was like being spun around like a top and let go, so very out-of-control. Here I was dealing with an affair, my husband was dealing with an affair, we were both numb to say the least, barely breathing. Our world was grey and rainy. The other wife’s information threw gallons of different colored paint over our dingy world. My husband and I both were thrown into something neither of us were really prepared for, or could have ever even begun to prepare for. It was the most beautiful mess though we had ever seen.
I like to pride myself on being very savvy through this whole thing. But, my new friend was even better. Bobbie’s one fatal flaw, despite getting away with this behavior with hundreds of others, was that she picked us two wives to mess with. We both were able to uncover most of the things we needed to with very little trouble. But, the irony here is, we both had husbands who at their core were honest human beings. We knew all of their passwords to everything. And neither of them changed anything. That wasn’t how their minds worked. I didn’t know the other husband, but one thing that my friend told me was the same thing I had said, nobody believed that her husband cheated, and nobody believed my husband cheated. I won’t pretend to know anything about any of the other men that she slept with, but when the other wife and I exchanged evidence, one thing was clear, she used the same lines and angle to get both of them.
I have screenshots of Bobbie’s and the other husband’s chats. Because it would be so difficult to block out all of the email addresses and chat names, I will just post the exchange between them.
Bobbie: Do you overcompensate because of this need? I know I do-You said to me in (a city) you have some self esteem issues-Yes, yes, I do (another cause of the eating disorder). What I don’t get from (her husband), I get it from “things” This is the root cause of why I am doing this blog (her shopping blog). Trying to get away from my satisfaction from shopping and things and getting it from others. For me, the need to be touched is easier to achieve than the emotional need.
Other husband: You asked how I handle the emotional part. I don’t know if I handle it very well, it is just me. (there’s more here, but not relevant)
Now, she used this exact same crap on my husband. She told him she had low self-esteem and this “eating disorder”. And this pretending like her husband never gave her what she needed. I wish you knew her husband. He bent over backwards for her and she never appreciated any of it. She married him for security (he was much older than her). She used him and then slept around.
Later their conversation goes to about how she must have given him some websites of porn and his new masterbation schedule, thanks to her. And then they talk about how they are going to meet at a hotel in our hometown. I am quite sure she picked that location on purpose. She loved to push the edge. And that was pushing the edge in such a small town.
And, perhaps the best part, her naked photo in a dressing room. Why is it the best? Well, it proves she can’t even be honest with herself. She was not supposed to be shopping during this time period, a promise she made herself and then blogged about.
Now, as my husband and I took all of this in, you can imagine the swirl of emotions it all invoked. It was so overwhelming that today was the first day I read all of those screenshots and looked at the pictures since the other wife sent them to me over two years ago. I also have a very long email she sent me that details much more that I will share next. But, today was the first I looked at any of it since then. Despite all of this being a great gift to my husband me, it is still hard to absorb. And, seeing my husband realize that something he thought was worth it turn out to be a lie is just sad. I don’t think I will ever forget the look on his face as he read through the pages of evidence. And, I had to keep reminding myself that he also had a lot of healing to do.
We had a long conversation tonight. It really wasn’t planned. Tonight we had went to a local restaurant. I told him that the last time I was there, I was there with her. I showed him where we sat. All part of getting past it all. But, later we were just talking about our mental health. He has been battling the blues. And he said that people would think he had no reason to feel that way given everything that he has. But, I told him, you have been through a lot of shit the last 10 years (his parents’ deaths and this affair), and that I did understand.
I think often when we deal with an affair as the victim, we forget that our partner was also a victim, even if they were a victim of themselves. We may have a lot to get through, but so do they. In my husband’s case, it really was a lot to cope with and that goes for both of us. The dynamics were insane at one point. So, I do have empathy for what he has been through as well.
All in all, we were thrown into a chasm of chaos. We both were feeling every emotion there is to feel, and all at once. And we have had to wade through all of this mess, still hoping to come out on the other side whole again. He told me he loved me tonight with tears in his eyes. And I was reminded that this chaos is beautiful.