When I first even had the idea to begin this blog, I knew what the title was going to be before a single word was even typed out on the screen. The timing for a total of three songs that had come out recently seemed to trumpet this affair over the universe. The first was by none other than Miranda Lambert. Her song “This Ain’t Your Mama’s Broken Heart”, fit the OW so well, it was uncanny. If you don’t believe me, google the words! The second was by the Band Perry, their title “Better Dig Two”, also seemed to apply to her, as she seemed so hung up on my husband that she couldn’t live without him. And, believe it or not, and as weird as it seems, there were moments I felt bad for her when I thought she was hopelessly in love with my husband. And I was angry at my husband for hurting both of us. Then Carrie Underwood’s song came out. I assume most of you have already heard it, given the subject matter, but if you haven’t, I suggest you check out “Two Black Cadillacs” below.
Back when this song came out I saw her and I as part of a team we didn’t want to be on, but a team no less. My husband had betrayed us both and even though we weren’t, in my head we were in this together. You see, when my husband told me she took pills and that she screamed into the phone, I believed that she was truly upset about losing him. And I did frantically try to call her back just the same as he had. He had told me numerous times that he did not lead her to believe that they would be together, but at that point I had my doubts. She seemed to believe that he would leave me for her. She believed it so much that she did not pull any punches the day she called me. The things she said to me did not come from a woman who expected to lose. So, when I heard the song, and saw the video, I saw her and me as the two black Cadillacs.
And, for the longest time after everything happened, I continued to see her and me this way. Sometimes in my desperation and suffering I longed to talk to the OW, because I knew she was the one person on this planet who knew exactly what I was going through. There were moments I had to stop myself from texting her.
And as quickly as I longed to just have a conversation with her, in the next breath I hated her. I thought she was crazy for trying to kill herself over a man. I turned that Miranda Lambert song up loud in my car, so loud that my rear view mirror vibrated from the bass of the speakers. My emotions were flip-flopping and I couldn’t control them.
I remember one specific time that all three songs came on back-to-back in my car. The Band Perry made me feel sorry for both of us. Both of us seemingly hung up on this man who to me at that moment, was clearly not worth it. My head kept telling me that. My heart was too broken to care. And as I listened to those three songs, all stirring up different emotions, I realized I was staring at my whole world from somewhere above myself. Nothing seemed real.
It was during this time, after her suicide attempt and before the other wife came forward, that both of us were in a state of chaos. The absolute only thing that was a given was that we were staying together. He made that clear. The only problem was I didn’t want to stay, but I knew I had to stay. I knew I had to protect my children from even the remotest possibility that she would ever have access to them. My husband and I were strangers. We were two people living as roommates. We were normal in front of the children. We laughed and smiled and pretended. Alone in our room, we watched our favorite shows, occasionally we had sex, we talked about the kids and schedules. And we fought. At this point, he was acting like the proverbial martyr, like he had given up something and I should be thankful. He never said that, but he didn’t have to say anything. Things eventually got smoother. We fought less, but not because we were making amends, it was because we were both apathetic about the whole thing.
And then, as you know, I got my miracle. Of course, the biggest thing to come out of that was the discovery of her vast extra-curricular activities. But, it was at the moment that he read the email from the other wife that things literally just changed. It wasn’t quite like a light switch being turned on, of course, but almost. And it happened to both of us. Maybe for me it was exactly like a light switch. I’m not sure what stopped me from calling her and saying “HA!” “I GOT YOU THIS TIME!!!!”. I felt like I had a brand new lease on life at this moment. It was like the universe gave me the greatest gift.
As funny as it sounds, one of the things I thought was about the title of this blog and the OW. We weren’t two black Cadillacs after all. We were not in anything together. We were not a team. It was all an illusion. She was an illusion.
Ultimately, I kept the title of my blog. And ultimately, he got over what she did to him and I got over what he did to me. The only real unfinished business is in regards to me, and getting over what she did to both of us.