So, my husband and I met for a quick dinner because he had a late meeting pretty much near where by kids had practice. So, we sat down in a rare moment of aloneness to talk about our days uninterrupted. We got our food and settled in for one of those eager conversations we have when we are truly alone. So, the first thing I asked him was how his meeting went. He kind of chuckled and then told me that he ended up sitting right next to “so and so”. I looked up, of course, a little taken off-guard. He said it was uneventful and not awkward. Of course, we only know that he knows about the other man, because his wife told me she called his office and sent him a package containing all of the photos and text/email/yahoo exchanges. We aren’t sure if her ex knows she was sleeping with my husband as well. I have to tell you, where I failed in really doing something about the other woman, my friend, the other wife did not. Sometimes I get out her initial email to me and just re-read it in awe. One of the most surprising things about reading the exchanges between the OW and the other husband is how much the same they were as the OW’s exchanges with my husband. Some day I will share those with you. I will spare you the nude photos she took of herself in dressing rooms. You’re welcome!
One of the things that I have told myself regarding healing is to try to gain an understanding of what was going on in her head and, of course his. I started rereading her blog today slowly, word for word. But, a few blogs in I decided that I should start with her previous blogs, the one she started as it was going on. It was labeled as a fashion blog, but it was really not about fashion. I originally thought it was about him, but came to realize after conversations with the other wife and dates, it was likely about both of those men, either together or separately, depending on the day. Tomorrow I will start at the beginning of her initial blog and try and take my time through it. My hope is to put myself in her place and gain some sort of understanding. I know this sounds odd. But, it is necessary for me to move past this.
I am in the process of gaining understanding about my husband’s feelings and what was in his head through this time. It is also necessary for me to gain an understanding as to what was going on with him. These conversations have become random really. We used to schedule time and limit those conversations due to the rawness of it all. And, honestly, those were painful conversations for us both. Today, the tone is completely different. It is mostly light and sometimes downright humorous. The other night we were watching a DVD and realized that she had been the one to give it him.(we had forgotten about them) We both laughed at how weird that was. A good sense of humor is crucial when you get to this point of healing I think. I mean, it’s super crucial. In all seriousness, we have already discussed most of the serious stuff. I’m sure we will discuss more serious things regarding the affair. But, when those moments happen, I want to be able to know and him to know, that those experiences were in the past. They aren’t our present and they aren’t our future. And because they are in the past, we will discuss them as past experiences only. This is hard, trust me. When I hear some new info about their relationship, it’s very hard to not react as though it was the present. But, it’s critical that I don’t. It’s over and he chose this relationship, regardless of what that relationship entailed. He chose me over her. We have renewed our vows, which we did within a few months of it ending, despite the fact emotions were still raw. I have a whole new ring. And we both have a whole new outlook on everything.
I suspect that our missing puzzle piece will be my resolution with the OW. Actually, it will only be my missing puzzle piece. It’s hard for me to even sort out in my own mind what that exactly means. I just know there are things I need to say and want to ask. I, of course, realize that it is unlikely I will have that opportunity. If I know her, I am so far behind her at the moment she likely doesn’t remember me or him. It is a definite pitfall for someone like me, who is a thinker. And I suppose it’s beneficial to be her, someone who can walk away from things and never look back. She continues to make her presence known to me, but in the most vague way, a way that leaves no doubt that she is somewhere else, another realm, where her past does not exist.
I think one of the hardest things about affairs is the stark reality that somebody else has become part of your life and who you are. Regardless of how the affair ends, even when you’re blissfully making your way back, there is another person in your relationship. I have found that even though the past keeps getting further away, the experience of it all moves further away, but she is still present for both of us. I know this will not be forever. She fades a little at a time, piece by piece. I think we both know, and have accepted, that though she fades, eventually almost all the way, almost will be the most she can ever fade for either of us. Almost. That is hard. But, it will be harder if we forgo the acceptance and fight her minute presence in our lives. So, we accept. We accept that Bobbie is just there. She’s a ghost in our house, but one that is no longer scary. She’s a transparent entity latched onto us, but weightless and unseen.
Today a turtle was crossing the road in front of me, and I stopped my car and moved him to the other side. It’s something she has done countless times. It is one of the things he shared with me about her. Today, I did it, an unseen gesture to her, but a conscious step for me toward my resolution with her. It was an invisible gesture, unseen by her, unknown to her, unknown to everyone except me.
Peace is an inner thing. You bring yourself peace, others don’t bring you to peace. And nothing can quite bring you peace like showing forgiveness and grace to somebody who does not deserve it.
Find your peace. I promise you it’s worth it.