Clearer

We had an emotional conversation this past weekend.  We have been having more and more emotional conversations.  The faucet is now open all the way.

I have spoken her name out loud in the past few months, maybe even year.  He sometimes says the name-Bobbie, or refers to her as “her”.  He has not said too much regarding her infidelities.  What is there to say really, not much.  In fact, since the moment he read the letter from the other wife, taking it all in word by painful word, he has said little about her indiscretions.  He knows they are there, maybe even haunting him at times.  He doesn’t hide that they are there, but avoids that they are there.  We said her name this weekend.  The word hung loosely in our car like we had said the word tea or hungry.  It felt different this time.  Uneventful.  Casual.

Last weekend someone else said the name “Bobbie” in our car.  It took us both by surprise.  It shocked us and took our breath.  A new friend was just stating that her mom almost named her “Bobbie”.  We tried not to act awkward .  We may have seemed awkward anyway.  Later, I looked at him and said “unbelievable” and “what are the chances” and we both laughed.  We can laugh now.  We can say her name.  We can even hear her name caught off guard and get through it without sweaty palms or red cheeks.

The day before this past weekend my son found a turtle, not the one tied to her.  Nonetheless, her name came up in our car that a turtle is just one of those things that would always remind us of “her” of “Bobbie”.  He said there were other things.  I didn’t ask what.  I didn’t think it was important, and really I could probably guess anyway.  As the pain fades away, I realize how many things he did not keep secret from me regarding her.  Even in the thick of it, he was sharing, only I didn’t always realize it or see it that way.  I was still his go-to person.  And somehow as the fog clears, that fact makes a difference.

Over the past few weeks, Bobbie has been around, reading my other blog, sometimes many times in a single day.  It is still posts that seem like they should mean something, but no meaning ever surfaces.  At first I was angry.  The intrusion made me anxious.  But, somehow, I just decided to accept it.  She looks at my blog.  And it’s okay.  Bobbie reads my other blog and I can accept that fact.  Maybe she has a reason.  Maybe she is trying to tell me something and just doesn’t know how.  In truth, there are things I want to tell her, and I don’t know how.  That’s why I write here.  It’s how I say all the things I want to say.  She won’t see them, and that’s okay too.  Maybe she has her own blog where she’s doing the exact same thing.

As my husband and I grow closer and closer, she fades more in some ways and becomes clearer in others.  I guess that’s because he shares more and more about their relationship.  And I see more and more of everything, including her.

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2 thoughts on “Clearer

  1. Beautiful. She is probably miserable in her sham of a marriage that she is probably screwing up all on her own. Some people need to live in the past. Others are able to move on to their future.

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