Sometimes when you delve into the past, especially a past you could have done without, and you relive parts of it, the parts that are still raw in your mind, you can start to be reasonable about that past. You see it differently, from afar, without emotions to cloud your view. It’s all clear. And, unfortunately for me, seeing it clouded by emotions was far better.
I have kept a journal on and off throughout my life. This blog has served as my journal the last couple of years. But, throughout the affair I kept a handwritten journal. It was just a notebook with a colorful cover. I secured it with a rubber band. I marked the rubber band so that I would know if it had been removed by him. It never was. I kept the journal in plain view on my nightstand. He saw me write in that journal. He knew it was there. He never looked at it. I suppose that you can look at this in two different ways.
One, he respected my privacy and would never even consider reading my journal, even though he knew it was about him and the affair.
Two, he didn’t care. He didn’t care what I was writing. He didn’t care that it was about him. He didn’t care that he was destroying me.
My husband is one that typically is the kind of person who would never invade someone’s privacy. That is a true statement. However, the man was having an affair and clearly all morality was off of his table.
Now, I know that during the time that he was under her spell, he was not himself. It was not just the affair, but he was just bizarre. He was telling the most outrageous lies that there is no way anyone in their right mind would ever have believed them. He was being short with everyone. He was distant. And, to be honest, during this time period, I am going to go with the fact that he just didn’t care. Sure, part of it was his commitment to privacy, but let’s face it, if you’re cheating invasion of privacy likely isn’t on your radar.
It bothers me that he was never interested in what I was saying. To this day, I do not have any reason to believe that he has ever read those journals. Should this bother me? I don’t know, but it does.
Tonight I was out with my friends and they were all complaining about this and that with their husbands, things they wouldn’t do, say, whatever. After they talked for a few minutes I finally broke in, kind of laughing, that my husband was not like that at all, he was perfect, he just had an affair. Inside I was not laughing.
I have a wonderful husband who literally would do absolutely anything for me and a wonderful father who would do anything for his children. And he had an affair.
It seems like on this long road to recovery that is the resounding echo I keep hearing….and he had an affair. It’s getting over that hurdle that I am dealing with now. It seems so silly after all of these months and years, that my hurdle is four words. And there are days I want to hand him those journals and show him exactly what he put me through. And maybe full healing won’t come until I know he knows that what he did stole something from my soul.