I had a bad day

My husband and I had an unscheduled talk last night.  Truthfully, we haven’t had a scheduled talk in a while.  It was me who instigated this discussion.

I needed to talk about things, the affair, his lack of discussion about the affair, the usual.  He was receptive and understanding.  And that drives me crazy.  You’re probably wondering why this drives me crazy.  You see, this is not a man who would have an affair.  And when he is acting like himself, it seems impossible that he ever had an affair or ever acted the way that he did when he was with her.  When he was with her, he was anything but receptive and understanding.  He was not him.  But, I knew he was in there.  I mean, I knew because I had been with this person for over 20 years.  His current receptive and understanding only makes me wonder more how this happened.  How does someone allow themselves to become that brainwashed?  It just doesn’t seem possible.  Maybe we all feel that way.

Spring is busy for us.  Usually it keeps my mind off of things.  Usually.   But, her continuous reading of my other blogs is bothering me.  Part of me wants to delete them and be done with it.  Another part of me wants to text her and say what the hell.  And yet another part of of me just wants to ignore it and move on.  And at any given time I change my mind about how I feel multiple times.  If she’s attempting to tell me something she’s not doing a very good job.  Maybe she’s just flat out directly trying to annoy me.  And it’s working.  I’m annoyed.  I am a pretty direct person.  Her beating around the bush about whatever is something I find juvenile.

I’m overwhelmed.  Because spring is so busy and we have been having some work done at our house, I am feeling out of sorts because my house has been out of sorts.  And spring sports are usually a drop and go situation along with too much fast food.  I’m tired and he’s tired and we both just want to stay home and lay on the couch and do nothing…and that’s just not possible right now.  And I know soon enough school will be out and sports will be over and we will have our time, but for now we are both exhausted.  And when I am exhausted, my mind wanders to the fact that my husband had an affair.  I wish I could stop that.

A family member died who was young.  I suppose that is always something that provides an opportunity to look at your own life.  I don’t want to look through my life and get stuck on the fact that there was an affair.  And yet I still do.  I want to stop thinking about it forever.

I know that even though I’m writing this now, tomorrow will be better.  I’m going through a bad day.  It happens.  I know this.  But, venting feels good.  And it keeps it real.  Getting past, over, and through an affair is not a simple process.  It’s hard.  It’s unbelievably hard. But, it will all be fine.  And I know this.  We all will be fine.

The tunnel is long, but there is light at the end, I promise.

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