When I first met the OW she was fairly normal I suppose. She was actually pretty plain, nothing extraordinary at all. And maybe at this point she was not a narcissist. She started at my husband’s firm as a secretary of sorts. The first piece of gossip that came home about her that I actually remember was when my husband told me the “new girl” was marrying an old guy. She was in her 20’s and he was in his 50’s. And of course we all knew she was marrying her sugar daddy. The new spouse had money. She told my husband at some point during their affair that she saw “security” and that is why she married him. I have no doubt that that’s the truth.
Just like in “Titanic”, she was “new money”. At first she was awkward and despite the money wasn’t very good at style, though she was desperately trying. And through the years, she eventually started wearing the name brands and acting pretty uppity to almost everyone. The ironic thing is, she judged almost everyone on what they wore, except herself. She assumed that since she was wearing certain things that somehow she was better than everyone else. But, style cannot be bought and she really doesn’t have any. Most of the time she dressed like a middle-aged school teacher and as my friend, the other wife, so eloquently put it, the rest of the time she looked like a “frumpy old maid”. Neither of us really understood what our husbands ever saw in her from a physical standpoint, other than the big boobs.
So suddenly with her new man and new money she became all about herself. It’s really not a secret that her husband meant little to her despite her access to his money. And honestly, it’s really not surprising that she turned to other men to fulfill herself. She didn’t love her husband and she really didn’t know how to love herself. She thought with the right clothes and shoes she could be successful and fulfilled at first. So she bought lots of clothes and shoes. But, she quickly found out that those kinds of things really aren’t very fulfilling after the first five minutes. Objects are no substitute for love. So, when rumors came home that the “new girl” slept around, again my husband and I were in no way surprised. We really didn’t even discuss it. In passing he might have said “I heard Bobbie is sleeping with so and so”. And eventually the rumors were flying that she was sleeping with clients to secure jobs. And, when she left the firm, business did indeed go down. And, someone from a firm in the southern part of my state stated that it was common knowledge that she slept with clients for jobs. I was not surprised by his confirmation of what we already knew.
I am surprised that my husband, who knew all of this, would partake in this behavior. Of course every woman whose husband has an affair likely thinks these same things. However, by the time the affair took place she was a full-blown narcissist. This is not speculation or guessing, that’s just who she was. I doubt she would have even denied it if someone would have asked her. I found this on Pinterest yesterday and she pretty much fits every single one.
I find it ironic that superficial charm is the first one. Even if you deleted all of the rest of these, superficial charm fits her exactly. I think I’ve told you before that we all liked her. She did whatever it took to make others like her. She was a chameleon changing to suit whoever she was with. Even I fell for this one. I could go through these one-by-one but a few of them stand out in particular. Egocentric and incites emotional chaos. I remember one morning somewhere in the middle of the affair my husband coming to me. He sat next to me on the bed and told me he really loved me. He said it a second time, I really love you. After I heard from the other wife and she, like me, wrote everything down, it turns out Bobbie had been with her husband the day before (here in our hometown) and later found out from my husband she had not made any contact with my husband that same day. So, my husband woke up in an emotional turmoil while she was playing hard to get. I’m so glad I wrote all of these dates down and what happened. It created a clear picture later when I needed it.
Never apologizes. Self-explanatory, right? She hasn’t and won’t apologize because she doesn’t think she did anything wrong. She believes that her happiness supersedes the happiness of everyone else, even innocent children. She attempted to drill that into my husband’s brain, that he “deserved” to be happy and she manipulated him into believing that that happiness could only be found with her. She created those circumstances. I guess you could call that seeking to dominate and win at all costs.. And that brings us to devoid of remorse or empathy. She literally told me on the phone that day she called that she did not care about our children. I can still hear her words “I don’t care about that”. Of course she didn’t. She is incapable of that, just like my husband had said he believed she was incapable of “making love”. Maybe the words “incapable of love” would be the three words that could comprise the entire thing, instead of that whole list. All of those things point to a person who is incapable of love.
The one good thing about this list is that it does not describe my husband. Yes, he was untruthful, but even that was fairly wishy washy for all intents and purposes. I suppose you could say that this does make me feel better to some extent. I will say that feeling better really isn’t much. I’m still disappointed that my husband fell for her antics, that boobs and ass somehow trumped me and the kids. And there’s plenty of times I’m downright angry about it, even to this day. But, I do let myself be angry. You can’t heal if you suppress your feelings. That’s one of the many lessons I’ve learned from this ordeal. I’m mostly angry that he “knew” for sure who she was and went through with it anyway. I think his ego told him that this chick who sleeps around wanted to sleep with him too. I think it made him feel special and part of her own secret society. And that also makes me mad. I keep wondering why we weren’t enough for him, why I wasn’t enough for him. Maybe I should ask him, but I haven’t.
I can’t deny that it hurts that my husband, who by anybody’s terms, a wonderful husband and father, could have let himself be duped by a known liar is beyond me. To this day that is one thing I cannot wrap my head around. I often find myself staring at him and thinking that I don’t understand or that there’s no way he did this. I honestly believe that I will always be somewhat in denial about this whole thing. Maybe every scorned wife is, I don’t know. And it’s scary to think that someone you knew so well could become so unfamiliar. I’ve said it before, Bobbie was being herself, truly she was. That is just who she is and everybody knows it. But, him…that is not him in any way. His brief morphing into this other person is concerning to me. I would be lying if I said that it wasn’t. I’m hoping that he was just curious, or having a mid-life crisis (that is actually what I believe). (And, as a side note, we recently bought a Corvette. Fast cars are definitely more classy than fast women), especially when that fast car is half mine.
Healing is difficult. There are so many things that go on inside the head of the person who was betrayed. And I think the worst thing is trying to reconcile all of that together and somehow come up with the right answer, when nothing really adds up. And though I have talked to her and him and the other wife and I have notes, there are still gaps and crevices of unknowns.