I left the OW a message in my public blog that she has been frequenting about a week ago. She has yet to find it, but she will, as it’s in one of the five or six that she always goes to. The OW and I have a history of speaking silently through our public blogs. Weird, I know. Usually its specific titles. Although back in the beginning her posts were almost always about my husband (or maybe the other husband, now that we know he existed as well) and on occasion ever so subtle messages to me. And I, in turn, would in a very subtle way make my posts either about the situation or her. Back then I did not have this blog and no other outlet to say what I really needed to say. And, even if I had thought of making this blog back then, I doubt I would have ever been as straightforward as I am now. I never write in that blog anymore. And, I suspect that she’s the only one who ever visits, except for a random straggler every once in a great while. I do have another public blog that I write in. It’s fairly current, and at first I was able to keep it a secret from her. I did post it to Facebook, but she has me blocked, so no worries about her discovering it that way. But, then one of my posts on that blog went viral. I find it amusing really. Who doesn’t want something they wrote to go viral? Except I could have done without it. That blog was shared so many times on Facebook that there is little doubt that she saw it. Unfortunately, the feature photo was one she would recognize from the time when we were friends on Facebook.
Knowing that the OW would never contact me to offer up an apology or anything of that sort, I actually created another blog for the sole purpose of her finding it and being able to say all of the things I say here that I would love to say to her. And knowing that no physical meeting would ever take place, I thought it was a good compromise. She never found it. And I have only posted one entry. Unless she finds it, there is really no reason to continue that.
It confuses me that she continues to frequent my public sites. I’ve posted about this before. As strange as it may sound, there are times when I think it’s an extension of an olive branch from her, an act of camaraderie. This feeling most rings true with me when one of her hits on my blog is a very specific title. That specific title implies that my absence from her life is affecting her. I told you before that as far as friends go, I was more of a friend to her than any of her current friends. And given the knowledge that I have now regarding at least two of those friends, I even more so believe this to be true.
Why am I writing this? No idea. I suppose it was something I needed to vent about and you guys are it. I certainly can’t vent about this to anyone else. I could have just as easily told you how fabulous my new faux fur Pottery Barn throw is or how anxious I am for summer to come or how proud I am of my children. After an affair, the day, months, and even years after are so unpredictable. You just never know what subject your brain is going to settle on each day. Most days are normal days with the dull ache of the affair somewhere in the background. Some days it’s very subtle, some days it’s knocking on the door. The days that the dull ache of the affair doesn’t exist, the dull ache of her exists somewhere in the background. The difference? If the affair is just a dull ache, that’s good, no steps are necessary. If the affair is knocking on the door, I can talk to him or I can write about it. But, when the dull ache is about her, there’s no outlet. The reality is, most of my friends and family think the whole thing is long over and her existence to me in a long and distant memory. But, we all know it doesn’t work that way. Mentioning her, talking about her, and even writing about her here in this blog seems weird. I have started and stopped several entries about her here, because honestly, while people are fairly understanding and open-minded when it comes to writing about issues about the actual affair, many fewer people want to talk about the OW, except to call their OW names and to inform their reading public how much they hate said woman. It’s really so much deeper than that. And for me it’s a wound that needs attention.
My biggest issue is the more my husband and I heal and talk through it and pull the weeds, the more Bobbie creeps into my mind. She creeps in whether I want her to or not. And if you want to know about a jumbled mess of the mind, this is a combination of a whole lot of emotions. And these emotions are a mashup of my husband’s past and present emotions regarding her and my past and present emotions regarding her. And all of that is a tangled web of love and hate and friendship and enemy. And it’s all unchartered territory. The whole thing is an emotional unknown for me. I don’t know how to react to an affair or an OW any more than I know how to be a trapeze artist in a circus. Is there a right and wrong? Should I hate her? What if I don’t? Is there something wrong with me? And what about those days that I feel nothing? And what about those days that my mind won’t unsee all of those moments she had with my husband?
Love and hate are so deeply connected we don’t even realize it.