This has been a rough few days for my family. On Saturday my dad had a heart attack. Luckily, it was a mild one, but he had to go through two heart caths before stents were put in. Back in 2003 my grandmother, his mother, died during a heart cath. He was very nervous and upset about having the procedure. The rest of us had to hide our fears from him and be very positive that all would work out well. And I had to hide the fact that I was literally across the road from where the OW works. Thankfully it all did turn out well, for my dad and me.
But, no sooner was he safely home that my son’s girlfriend’s grandmother had a stroke, and it was determined that she would not recover. They took her off the ventilator tonight and she passed shortly thereafter. As you can imagine, they are all very upset. It was such a surprise and shock to them. It will not be easy for any of them.
Life can change quickly, as most of us have discovered. And though I have told my husband so many times that what he did is almost as bad as killing me, that’s really not true. Not really. And while having the person you love break their wedding vows and betray you, in reality that’s not the worst problem you can have. It’s not the worst thing by a long shot.
There are so many days I don’t feel like keeping up being kind to my husband or I feel like he should be doing more for me. But, in reality, he’s more than paid for his sins. And he does everything for me and then some, and really he always did, even during his time with her. And he told Bobbie goodbye. He stayed with me and the kids. He really is a wonderful husband and father. Yes, he made a mistake…a huge mistake, but he’s making it right and he’s been committed to making it right for almost three years.
This affair has cost me a lot of time. There is so much time lost because of my husband’s affair with Bobbie. Time that we can never get back. But, after the affair was over, and we had already moved forward, any time that we lost had nothing to do with Bobbie. And it had everything to do with me. Forgiveness means to let it go forever. It means to stop reliving the past things that hurt you. And while we are all human, and it’s certainly very difficult sometimes to control our emotions, that should never be the norm. And it took me a few years of wasted time to realize that fact.
Life is completely unpredictable. One day we could be here and the next day we could be gone. And I’ll be honest with all of you, none of us would want our last thought to be about the person our spouses had an affair with. None of us would want our last sentences to be about the person our spouses had an affair with. And none of us want to leave this earth with bitterness or envy in our hearts. We all know these things to be fact. We all want to be remembered for our compassion and love.
It’s hard. It’s incredibly hard to push out of our minds what has happened to us. It is so hard that we often sabotage ourselves and our children and our life to keep it all in there. We are so used to suffering that we let it become part of us, part of our soul. We feel like if we aren’t seen suffering that we will become vulnerable and maybe allow it to happen again. That suffering has become so familiar to us that we think it is normal. Most importantly, our own personal suffering is a direct reflection of how we want our spouse to suffer, even when we have said that we forgive them.
These events in my life over the course of the last six days have opened my eyes a bit. We are all dying, every single day we move closer to death. Every single year we pass by the anniversary of the day we will die and the anniversaries of the day our loved ones will die. It’s unknown. It’s so close. It’s so far away. It’s a mystery. It could be today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, or in 50 years. No matter when it is, I don’t want a day filled with animosity to be the last day I spend on this earth. I don’t want my last day on this earth to be spent questioning my husband for the 100th time about an affair that’s been over years ago.
It’s him and me now. It’s just him and me. Any and everything that needs to be talked about and worked on only involves him and me. My husband had an affair. The affair is over. And while Bobbie may always be part of our history, Bobbie does not need to be part of our future. And the truth is, unless we keep her out of our present, she will never truly be gone.
My children and I deserve to live a life without her presence. And my husband deserves to be forgiven wholly and completely, because I chose to forgive him.