I wish I could have seen

One good thing that I can tell you is that as the days, months, and years pass the fuzzier details that were once crystal clear in your mind about the affair fade.  They fade and they blur.  Maybe it’s all part of the mind’s defense mechanism of protecting us from harm.  Some things I remember better than others, but all of it is hazy.

One of the memories that is clearer than the others is the discovery part.  I suppose it’s hard to forget moments that you can hear your heart beating out of your chest.  I may forget the exact details of finding that email that pointed to the affair, but I will never forget how it made me feel.  I was in such disbelief about what I’d found that I almost didn’t wake him up to tell him that I had even found out.  I was sure there must be some other explanation.  But there wasn’t.  He didn’t deny anything.  It was just a blowjob.

I tried to picture this “just a blowjob”.  It’s funny how your mind in some ways protects you and in other ways attacks you.  Of course, the last thing I wanted to do was picture someone else with my husband.  And it was also the first thing I did was to picture someone else with my husband, even though it was “just a blowjob”.  At some point later, I asked him the details.  Another funny thing, you want to know the very thing you don’t want to know.  And once you know, you can’t unknow, but you sure wish you didn’t know.

If you can find something good in such a horrible thing, the fact that she wanted much more than to perform felatio, as in the whole sex act, he told her no.  It was one very fast blowjob.  I could forgive this.

This was the catalyst.  This was the moment it all went downhill.  My reaction of no real reaction toward her puzzled her.  His faithfulness to me to not engage in sexual intercourse with her puzzled her.  Someone actually told her no.  And that someone’s wife forgave and forgot and moved on.  And that made the whole thing a challenge for her.  And it was a challenge she took very seriously.  Her goal was to get to the sex part.

And after not too long, she was able to break him down.  But, at the same time, my mad spying skills were cutting her off at every pass.  She knew and he knew that I was smarter than both of them.  Her goal became not to win him, but to beat me.  I was the thorn in her side keeping her usually mad whoring around on the side skills not so secret any longer.  And while I might have missed some things, the fact that their electronic communications  became so attainable by me that she had to resort to handwritten letters (that I still found) kind of told it all.

And down to the last moment she was convinced that she really could beat me at her sick game.  She called with confidence and security the day she decided to tell me everything, and was so sure that he was going to leave me and be with her.

There are a few things I really wish that I could have seen, and one of them is that moment when she realized that beating me was not possible.

The other moment I really wish I could have seen is the moment when she realized my husband and I knew all about her other extracurricular activities while engaging in extracurricular activities with my husband.  I’m sure she never dreamed in a million years that we two wives would find each other and blow the top right off of her charade.

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