My husband took off work on Monday and we spent the day together. We had planned this and it was something that I was looking forward to doing. But, as long car rides often do, my mind wanders, especially when certain songs come on the radio. I’ve asked him before if the same thing happens to him, if he ever found himself thinking about her. He always says no. And the thing is, I believe him. Men’s brains and women’s brains do not operate the same. Anyway, I found myself with a wandering mind and me telling myself to not ruin this day by bringing her or the affair up.
I successfully managed to not bring up either, but let me tell you, it was hard. Sometimes I think I sabotage myself. There was no reason to bring her up. There was no reason to bring the affair up. Actually, there was every reason not to bring any of that up. And, as hard as I tried that day, I found myself occasionally thinking about all of it. So, our otherwise absolutely wonderful day was infiltrated by her…..but only for me. He was oblivious to whatever was going on in my head and that’s the way I wanted it.
My husband and I have a fairly awesome agreement on when this subject matter can be brought up. Now that it’s been hashed through and scabbed over we both decided that from day-to-day, we live our life as normally as possible. We actually schedule time, and only if needed, to discuss the affair. And some times are completely off-limits, like holidays. And, that agreement has been a lifesaver for me. And Monday is why. Otherwise great days would/could be ruined unintentionally by someone we don’t want to ruin any more days of our lives.
There have been a few random times when, unscheduled and out-of-the-blue, I just needed to talk. And while he is never really happy about this, he never says that, and whatever we need to talk about ensues. And believe me, we have come a long way from the beginning when I couldn’t get him to talk about anything that had to do with the affair. He has put this affair behind him, whether it’s out of self-preservation and necessity, or he’s just done with the whole thing. I, haven’t quite put it all behind me yet. And it’s something I work on every day. And, it’s something he helps me with everyday by just being there, always checking in without me ever asking, and listening when I know he’s probably weary of the rehashing.
Someone commented on one of my blogs that I was “strong”. I found that comment striking because I don’t feel very strong a lot of the time. Throughout this whole thing I have felt weaker than I ever have. But, there have been moments when I felt like Wonder Woman. And the good days outweigh the bad days by a whole lot today. But, I remember when the bad days were outweighing the good by a landslide.
I also know that my circumstances were extraordinary. I am one of the lucky ones. Writing this blog literally saved me in almost every way someone can be saved. It brought me unexpected information and it has been incredibly therapeutic and brought a bunch of us together going through the same things. And I keep writing in the hopes that this blog will find someone else who desperately needs the inspiration to keep going or a hope for the future.
And I think that’s what we all want…hope for the future. So, I write. And I try to write about it all, my feelings about my marriage, my family and even about the other woman. I have told him that short of killing me, he has done the worst possible thing to me. Does he understand that? I don’t know. I think it’s kind of like when you tell people who don’t have kids what it is like to have kids. They can’t possibly “get it” until they have their own kids.
Since the other wife contacted me so early in this blog’s life, I feel like a lot of those bad feelings were pushed to the side for me to write about the discovery of her and what transpired after. And since it was so remarkable (my sister says it’s the kind of thing you can’t believe until you see it happening before you), I stopped writing so much about what happened to me while the affair was going on and started writing more about what was going on when my husband found out he wasn’t the only one in her web. So, I have decided to bring more of the actual affair experiences to the forefront in future blogs. This is a two-fold thing for me. I want to re-experience that time as part of the moving on and healing process and also to open the view into my world that things were once very hard.
One thing I have learned is, healing is an ongoing process. Will I ever be completely healed from this? I don’t know the answer. If I were to answer today, I would say no. But, tomorrow, I might say maybe, and next week I might say, yes! I’m working toward yes, but I won’t let myself be disappointed with maybe or no. I don’t want to hide my feelings, especially from myself.
The other thing I’ve learned is, Bobbie is part of our life forever. I may not like it and he may not like it, but that is the reality. To think any differently, we would both be lying to ourselves. She is forever woven in the fabric of who we are-for good or bad or indifferent. And with that being said, that does not mean we cannot heal. In fact, it has no bearing at all on our healing, as long as we accept that that’s the reality. For two years Bobbie had a direct impact on my marriage. At the end of those two years, she started having an indirect impact on my marriage. I hated that thought that she would always be there at first. I have since realized that she’s there whether we want her to be or not, and if we hate it, she becomes even more powerful than she was before. And don’t get me wrong here….there are days I let myself hate her. I just don’t make it a habit. And here’s the other big thing…I don’t make it a habit to hate her for ME. And that has nothing to do with her.