My story of the OW and me is odd and really bizarre. But, here’s what happened to the best of my memory. A lot of it is fuzzy these days. If it makes you feel any better, a lot of the things you think you will never forget you do.
I found out days before my 18th wedding anniversary in February of 2011 that my husband had had a sexual encounter with a woman he worked with. Her name is Bobbie. (I used to avoid her name, but not anymore) Anyway, in November of 2010, a few months before, they had been on a business trip together. The both had been drinking and at some point after he called me to say goodnight she emailed him and invited herself to his room. He told me when she knocked on the door he panicked. She ended up giving him a blow job that night, which he said happened very quickly. And he did say, and she later also told me, that she tried to get him to have intercourse, but he turned her down, reminding her about me. He also told me the next day (this would be step one in her manipulation of him) she came to him and thanked him for saying no. (I laugh when I hear this….I don’t know how he could have possibly fallen for that maneuver). Regardless, I found out through his stupidity of him deleting his emails, but failing to delete the sent emails.
At 2 in the morning, when I discovered all of this, I woke him up. I can’t explain how I felt, it wasn’t anger, I think it was shock. He sat up and said it was “just” a blowjob and I could tell she meant nothing to him at this point. But, it was this point that would catapult them into togetherness. You see, a few months earlier several of the couples from the office, including him and me and Bobbie and her husband had gotten tickets to a concert and had made hotel reservations. And since this seemed like nothing more than a mistake on his part with alcohol involved and the fact that they worked together, I decided to still go, even thought it was only a week later. But, a few days earlier we ran into her at a basketball game. I decided to be the bigger person and texted her something like, well, that was awkward. And she responded that we would get through this.
The day of the concert my husband made pretty passionate love to me in our hotel room and all seemed well. And from our point of view it was well. We started out hanging out with the group and amazingly it was like nothing had ever happened. My husband was as loving and attentive as ever. But, as the night wore on, I could tell that she was upset, as in jealous upset. I told him that night after we were back in our room that she clearly felt more for him than he did for her. He admitted that it seemed that way and woke me up in the middle of the night worried about the whole thing. I wasn’t worried at all. I really didn’t care what she felt for him, because I knew he loved me.
On Monday morning he called me about halfway to work to tell me that he had talked to her on the phone and that she did have feelings for him and that she had told him how lucky I was to have him. At this point, all was well, except for the fact my husband was now faced with the reality that another woman was interested in him. Call it ego, or stupidity, or both, but this was the turning point. Only I didn’t know that.
I’ll skip the hacking of emails and recording of conversations, but at some point in the midst of it she and I started texting each other. It became a daily thing. Although looking back, the one day she did not text me was the same day she was with the other husband that I know of for sure. She also did not contact my husband that day (her way of keeping him on her leash). When either of us had important things we wanted to share, we shared them with each other. She admitted she had no real friends, even though she had so many people she called a friend. Our birthdays are within two days of each other and we gave each other cards. I don’t think either of us could really understand the draw we had to each other, but we used to joke it was like magnets. Whatever it was, we had this odd connection and I think it would have been true with or without him. He just happened to be the one to bring us together. I think we were the true definition of “love triangle”. We even attended a concert together and a shopping trip together.
What was her feelings for me? No idea. Who could know with someone like her. I think it’s clear she used me to get to him. But, at the same time, I think she did maybe realize I was a truer friend to her than anyone else she called friend. Those people told her what she wanted to hear and I told her the truth.
I have always said, next to him, she understood me better than anyone ever has. Do I miss her? I miss feeling that connected to someone who isn’t my spouse. As I’ve stated before, this is the thing about her, she could be great and could have made a difference in the world. She just chose a different path.
My feelings for Bobbie today are a mash up of a lot of different emotions. But, one of those emotions is not hate. She is who she is, and there’s a reason for everything. And though I believe people should be responsible for their own actions, I do concede that the things that happen to us shape our actions. I don’t know what happened in her past, but something did. It is one thing to cheat on your spouse. It’s another to just sleep with whoever will sleep with you. If anything, I feel sorry for her.
The last time I had any contact with her was three years ago. Writing this post is the most thought I’ve given her in a long time. I used to think about her all the time. It was pretty hard not to think about the affair all the time. These days, I’m too busy taking care of my family to give her a lot of thought. Lately, with her going to my other blog so much, she’s been in my mind a little more, but not as much as you would think.
I can’t deny I’m curious about her recent actions. But, I suppose she will either talk to me or she won’t. And that’s out of my hands.