The past is the past and now is now

My anniversary is quickly approaching and today is not exactly D day, but close enough…we’re within days.  The fact that those two days are so close together literally makes me ill.  But, as my husband says, it is what it is.

This is year five.  My sister said she read it takes a full seven years to fully establish trust after an affair.  Trust is tricky.  I almost always emphatically trust him.  If he knew that I used the word “almost” he would probably be hurt.  And yes, I know, any lack of trust I have is all his doing.  But, I do trust him.  My problems are not trust related, believe it or not.  Trust is the least of my worries.  For me, it’s more getting back the sanctity of the relationship.  The loss of being the “only one” troubles me more than anything else.  We have talked and talked about this issue.  He says he understands, but doesn’t know why I can’t/won’t move on.  He thinks we will be perfect if I only let it go.  And I know deep down, he’s right.  I cannot continue to harbor all of this forever.  Eventually, I have to honor my own decision of staying with him and move on.  I know I would expect this from him if the situation were reversed.

This last week, my heart and head have been foggy.  He knows this.  I guess you could call it depression, as that’s likely what it is, all triggered by the date.  I never told him the whys.  Actually, it never hit me as to why until I realized my upcoming anniversary.  And, it is doubtful that he might realize that “this” is the anniversary of our lives being torn apart at the exact same time we are celebrating the anniversary of a twenty-plus year marriage.  The conflict of interest brings me to my knees.  I admit this fact.

I keep reminding myself that we have moved leaps and bounds over these past five years. And I remind myself that we are truly and deeply happy with where we are in our relationship right now.  And that’s the most important thing, at least thats what my husband says….is the right now.  The past is the past.  And I agree.  It’s just not as easy to execute as it sounds.  But, I am a work in progress.  The truth is, I rarely think about the affair anymore.  The most I ever think about it is when I’m writing here (still very therapeutic), or those getting more and more rare conversations with him.  We are living more in the now than we have in those past five years.

While life post-affair is a major roller coaster ride with plenty of chills and thrills, it does level out.  And though we both have our moments of frustration, that’s all they are…moments.  Even my week-long mental fog is just a moment in our time.  And just writing here helps tremendously.  I am confident that with each passing day it all truly does move further and further into the past.  And eventually, my hope is that the only fog that exists is back there in the past.

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7 thoughts on “The past is the past and now is now

  1. I’m so pierced at seeing the impact that infidelity has even five years out. We are 22 months post Dday, 2 years post last physical meeting between HUSBAND and his AP. No way around it…affairs are just soul crushing. HUGS.

    1. Soul crushing is a good term. I won’t lie and say it went fast or that it wasn’t that bad. But, I will say with each day it did get better. Not that there weren’t some steps backwards. But, overall, we did move forward, even though it was painfully slow sometimes. Hugs to you too! Soon, it will be all behind us.

  2. My second d day anniversary is later this month. I can appreciate being in a much better frame of mind than I was this time last year. It is a big big learning cycle of learning to live with the past but to stay present in the here and now. I have to work so hard to be mindful of that.
    Such a deep wound as infidelity will take some getting over and just think you are way over the half way mark at five years! Take care and stay present (((hugs))))

    1. We are both happily in the present. And it takes patience..which I’m not good at having. I just keep saying to myself, this is better every single day and for the last six months, it’s been better by leaps and bounds. (((((hugs to you)))))))

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