My anniversary is quickly approaching and today is not exactly D day, but close enough…we’re within days. The fact that those two days are so close together literally makes me ill. But, as my husband says, it is what it is.
This is year five. My sister said she read it takes a full seven years to fully establish trust after an affair. Trust is tricky. I almost always emphatically trust him. If he knew that I used the word “almost” he would probably be hurt. And yes, I know, any lack of trust I have is all his doing. But, I do trust him. My problems are not trust related, believe it or not. Trust is the least of my worries. For me, it’s more getting back the sanctity of the relationship. The loss of being the “only one” troubles me more than anything else. We have talked and talked about this issue. He says he understands, but doesn’t know why I can’t/won’t move on. He thinks we will be perfect if I only let it go. And I know deep down, he’s right. I cannot continue to harbor all of this forever. Eventually, I have to honor my own decision of staying with him and move on. I know I would expect this from him if the situation were reversed.
This last week, my heart and head have been foggy. He knows this. I guess you could call it depression, as that’s likely what it is, all triggered by the date. I never told him the whys. Actually, it never hit me as to why until I realized my upcoming anniversary. And, it is doubtful that he might realize that “this” is the anniversary of our lives being torn apart at the exact same time we are celebrating the anniversary of a twenty-plus year marriage. The conflict of interest brings me to my knees. I admit this fact.
I keep reminding myself that we have moved leaps and bounds over these past five years. And I remind myself that we are truly and deeply happy with where we are in our relationship right now. And that’s the most important thing, at least thats what my husband says….is the right now. The past is the past. And I agree. It’s just not as easy to execute as it sounds. But, I am a work in progress. The truth is, I rarely think about the affair anymore. The most I ever think about it is when I’m writing here (still very therapeutic), or those getting more and more rare conversations with him. We are living more in the now than we have in those past five years.
While life post-affair is a major roller coaster ride with plenty of chills and thrills, it does level out. And though we both have our moments of frustration, that’s all they are…moments. Even my week-long mental fog is just a moment in our time. And just writing here helps tremendously. I am confident that with each passing day it all truly does move further and further into the past. And eventually, my hope is that the only fog that exists is back there in the past.