Five Years, three years, a lifetime

It’s hard to believe it’s been almost five years since I found out what I didn’t want to find out.  It was numbing and unthinkable and inconceivable.  I didn’t think it was real for the longest time.  Then I went into FBI mode and managed to accomplish what a lot of professional people couldn’t.  I was able to record their conversations, when they were alone and unknowing.  That provided me the biggest wealth of information.  Their raw conversations when they thought nobody was listening to them, but each other.  I, of course, heard things I didn’t want to hear and honestly wish I could unhear, but those conversations have faded quite a bit.  And there’s no doubt that I would do it again, to find out what I needed to find out.  If you don’t care for the sound and sensation of your heart beating out of your chest, I don’t recommend this route.

Probably the worst part of the whole thing was, despite physical evidence against him, he continued the affair, although he continued it in secret while convincing me most of the time that it was over.  And, each time I caught him again he would make it seem like she kept bothering him and he couldn’t resist temptation.  Of course, I knew better.  I knew better the entire time, but I had a family to keep together, and I knew my husband about a hundred times more than she thought she did.  He wasn’t going to end his marriage and he didn’t have the guts to end it with her either, although he desperately wanted to do so.  Not that he wasn’t enjoying her fabulous blow jobs and sexual acts.  Let’s be real, that was his real kryptonite.  But, when I had asked him if he ever made love to her and his answer was that he didn’t think she was capable of that, I knew he knew, whether he admitted it or not at that time, what she was really all about.  And when the man was infinitely more relaxed and happy on weekends when he was away from her and did not have to put up any charades, I knew and he knew what it all meant.  She was the only one who didn’t know.  For whatever reason, he couldn’t be honest with her.  She was playtime, the fantasy, the whirlwind affair with a girl with zero responsibilities and even less morals.

For whatever reasons, whether it was our closet rehab or not, she broke.  Maybe she was sick of weekends alone and holidays alone and never being able to actually really talk about him except in a vague secret way.  I have no doubt that she knew he wasn’t going to do anything.  She had left her husband a whole year before.

{Little did I know during this exact time period of her leaving her husband that the other wife was finding out about her as well sleeping with her husband.  And shortly before they split up, the other wife had mailed a nice package filled with quite a bit of evidence to her husband.  So, truly, in all likelihood, her leaving her husband had absolutely nothing to do with my husband, but more likely the arrival of the unsurmountable evidence to her husband.}

So, she left her husband, or more realistically her husband told her to get out, and she switched gears to capture my husband.  She certainly wasn’t going to keep going after the other husband because there was the possibility that her reputation was about to be compromised given the fact that she started an affair with a man in a group setting.  This is where my love and respect for the other wife rockets.  She got her even better than I did.  I just wish I had sent my evidence to her husband as well.

S0, three years ago, her empire caved.  He turned her down.  He chose his family. He chose his morals.  And while she continued for several more months to get him to change his mind, eventually she quit the job and moved on.  But he didn’t move on quite yet.  While she may have never loved him, he did think that he loved her.  So, from March of 2013 to March of 2014 my husband had to go through the detoxification of her.  And it was not easy.  She had him so convinced that she had changed just for him that she loved him.  And while my husband’s world was literally turned upside down with a family on the brink of splitting up and his emotions in an internal blender, something was about to happen that would change everything.

{About January of 2014, I made the decision to start this blog.  I don’t even know why I decided to do it.  I needed the outlet desperately.  I needed to be able to get out everything that was going on with him and try to figure it all out.  I certainly never expected it to be so life changing, but life changing it was, and in a way I never dreamed it would be.}

So one night, even though I didn’t want to, I went out with a friend.  I had written a blog entry that day, I probably would have written every day if I didn’t think it would be so annoying to my readers.  But, that particular blog generated a conversation,  and in that particular conversation I posted the address of her blog.   And those words were a hit in a search by another woman whom she had victimized.  And she commented.  I didn’t know any of this for awhile.  I came home from dinner, went upstairs, did check my iPad, but there was nothing there and got into a hot bath.  I’m pretty sure I probably cried some more.  That’s where I was.  I was in a deep hole of despair and wasn’t sure how to get out and keep my family intact.

I remember that he was downstairs when I got out of the bath.  I was figuring on just watching tv and waiting for him to come up for our usual awkwardness.  I was wrong.  I picked up my iPad and opened my WordPress app and had a notification.  I had had lots of notifications before.  But, not like this one.  This comment was different.  This comment gave me the one piece of evidence that I could never get no matter how  hard I tried.  Proof that she absolutely was sleeping around and that she never loved him.  But, I will be honest, seeing the words from this other wife that said she had slept with her husband too did make me very happy, but very sad too.  Someone else’s life destroyed by her and as much as it was going to make me feel great to divulge the information to my husband, at the same I knew it was likely going to destroy him.  At first I only had the comment to show him.  I, of course, was  crying pretty profusely when I showed him.  They were tears of relief mostly.  And his reaction wasn’t exactly what I was hoping for….but there was a reaction and the rest would have to wait.

Days and many exchanges later, I had everything I needed.  I told him I needed to talk to him and we went upstairs.  I sat on the floor with my phone in hand and he sat on the edge of the bed above me.  First I showed him the messenger exchanges between the OW and the other husband.  Then I showed him the emails.  And then I showed him the pictures.  And then I let him read the email from the other wife.  Her details of events that the OW participated in hit home the most.  He knew about those things, thought he was the only one .  Her timeline was exact.  He read it all slowly, very slowly.  I would say that even though he hasn’t read those things in two years now, he remembers every word.  He asked me to give him two days to take it all in and then he would take to me.  He has said very little about it since then.

A lifetime.  Our lifetime, almost destroyed.  It hits us both sometimes hard.  The damage done to our children and to each other.  She was like a weed in our garden that was carelessly left to spread.  One of those weeds that digs their roots deep and wraps itself around the healthy plants.  We were almost taken over, almost.  And it took a lot of events and work and a blog and some comments and a search engine to accomplish it all.  But, sometimes, the universe is with you, maybe not always in the time you want or need, but in its own time…..

a lifetime saved.





11 thoughts on “Five Years, three years, a lifetime

  1. You really couldn’t make that shit up!! Seriously, if there was a movie about this I doubt anyone could ever imagined that it actually happened. Here’s to the Universe 🙂

    1. I know! I remember when I told my sister she said the same thing! It’s all just amazing. I tell my new friend, the other wife, all the time what if she wouldn’t have commented?? Proves that we truly affect others in ways we may not even be able to imagine. She is truly my hero and I tell her so all the time!

    1. I have never seen this movie that you’re referring to in your blog, so I can’t really comment on the content. Is your blog going to be all movie reviews, or is that just what this blog is about? I think you should put the words “spoiler alert” at the top, just to let your readers know that your content is going to divulge the gist of the movie, or book if you ever decide to review books. You could create a sticky post that will always be on top to say what your blog is going to be about too. But, I think you did well, there is media included and it’s well written!

      1. Thanks for your feedback😊. The movie was released in 1997, and a big movie in the black community. Like there’s certain movies in the black culture that if a black person haven’t seen they would say , “oh you aren’t black”. It’s all jokes though. Probably if you saw the movie you would understand. No,my blog wont be on movies. I just used that example to prove a point since it pertain to the topic I was talking about. It my first post from my blog that I just made, and it’s not gonna be all about movies 😊.

  2. Even after finding out that she was sexting, giving BJ’s , having sex and sharing ILU’s with another man at the same time, it still took him a year to get over her? What was the signal to you that he was over her?…..Workplace whore’s are a breed all their own. It’s almost like they put some kind of potion in the water cooler…….Glad it worked out for you, but never ever trust a skank to stay away. They’re sick and love the challenge. Odds are that your H and the other H were just two of many(at the same time)……Happy for you.

    1. No, he did not find out that she was sleeping with other men until a year after their affair ended. After that, he was over her very quickly. I mean, he still had to get over the “shock” of it all, but he was pretty done at that point once he read and digested all of the evidence. I’m sure the two H’s were ones of many. I think one of the things was the fact that she brought the other husband right here to our town to sleep with him….I think that really showed him who she was. And during that year before we found out about her extracurricular activities, we both were going through our own separate issues with the relationship. It was a hard year for both of us. And putting the potion the watercolor is just about right! lol

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