To be Thankful

Ah, a break.  Well, sort of a break.  Thanksgiving week is coming up soon and the kids are off school and he is also taking some time off.  This is the furthest I’ve been behind in a very long time for Thanksgiving.  But, it is coming along.  I finally bought the bird and all of the other food for Thanksgiving dinner tonight.  A little bit of relief there.  I still have quite a few other things to do this week, but I’m starting to get it all to come together.

We had a little time to talk tonight.  We mostly just talked about the upcoming holidays and how we were feeling about each other at the current moment.  I think we both discovered that we are tired, but for once, we aren’t tired about some drama.  It’s one of those tireds that happens after you’ve been going in high speed for just a little too long, like we have been doing.  I’m looking forward to the after Thanksgiving, to just call it a day and get under a blanket and do absolutely nothing with each other…well, maybe not nothing.  🙂

We both love the holidays and all of the hustle and bustle.  We love being able to shop for the kids and our family.  But, we also relish Christmas Day when it’s just us and the kids, eating leftovers from our big Christmas Eve dinner.  There is so much greatness in having nothing to do.  And downtime is exactly what we need right now.  I actually think our whole family needs that downtime.  We talked about going away for the holidays, but we decided not to right now.  We are planning a get-away though, but we can’t decide whether it should be just us or all of us.  We both admit that we probably could use some time for just us, but at the same time, we would miss our kids and we enjoy them being with us.

He has been wanting to talk, opening up more and more.  Maybe finally ready to let it all flow out.  I want that conversation, and I think this is one reason that he wants to get away somewhere alone.  I think the obstacle now is where he wants to have that conversation and our bedroom just isn’t where he wants to open the tap.  I pretty much agree with that.  We already try to limit our conversations about his affair that happen in our bedroom.  He doesn’t want her there, and really neither do I.  I don’t think he wants her anywhere.  But,  I don’t think it’s healthy for him to purposely avoid her.  I purposely do not avoid her.  If I’m talking about her, I say her name.  He has never said, but his reaction tells me he hates that.  But, I refuse to give her any power at all.  I think saying her name gives it less and less meaning.  So I keep saying it.

He told me tonight that he can’t believe he gave her any power.  That kind of took me by surprise.  He had not yet humbled himself to allow his humiliation to come out so clearly.  This is when I feel bad for him, even though I know I probably shouldn’t.  But, he’s a good person who made a really dumb mistake…and he did the right thing eventually.  I admit forgiveness is hard.  It’s hard to look at the person you love and know what they are capable of, especially when it didn’t seem possible that he was capable of much bad, let alone that.

I told him that I’m still broken.  I think that hurt him.  He wants it all to be over, gone.  It’s not that I don’t, it’s just that I AM still broken.  He asked what he can do to fix that.  I didn’t have an answer for him.  Maybe I will always be broken.  Maybe there’s nothing he can do.  I don’t know.  I have a lot of soul searching left to do.  There’s still so much work to do.  And it’s daunting.  The light is at the end, but it is far away, but maybe closer than it’s been in a very long time.  For that I’m thankful.

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7 thoughts on “To be Thankful

  1. Do you really think by purposely saying her name that it gives her less power? I find myself REFUSING to say any of my ex’s tramps’ names. I look at it as “they are not worthy of having their name spoken by me.” I’ve just always thought that by saying their names, it gave them power over me.
    Food for thought, here. I’m going to “chew” on what you have said for a few minutes.”
    Hope you have a great Thanksgiving.

    1. I apologize for it taking so long to respond. I haven’t had time to check if I had replies! I’ve been busy getting ready for Thanksgiving and the holidays. To answer your question, I really do think it gives her less power. I started out calling her names and such, but then I started saying her name in my conversations with him. That REALLY pissed him off at first. I would say Bobbie as much as I could. But, eventually, it meant nothing to him. I even recently told him that I thought his company actually suffered after she left. (she did marketing) I said her name then too. I feel it gave her less power over him and me. She is just somebody we used to know now. I know most people hate the OW, but I don’t. If anything, I feel sorry for her.
      And I hope you have a great Thanksgiving as well!

      1. What pissed Loser off was when I referred to all of his tramps….as tramps. Even though he echoed the sentimentality, it still pissed him off. To me, those “women” are nothing….not even worth speaking their names….not even worthy to breathe the same air. scum…just like Loser.
        Thanks for the good wishes.

      2. I understand your feelings, trust me! I agree these women who do this are nothing….I mean, truthfully they are just selfish and think they “deserve” to have whatever their heart desires without ever thinking of the consequences of what their actions are doing to others…especially children.

      3. And they do it without consequence…just like the unfaithful husbands. Even if the consequence is leaving your husband, he just continues with his tramp and they live happily ever after.

      4. I honestly do not believe that she will live happily ever after with anyone. She has the sickness of always wanting more and never being satisfied with her life. The will grow weary of the man she’s with now. That’s just how she operates. I don’t think men with children (unless they completely walk away) could ever be happy knowing they destroyed their childhoods. I suppose there are exceptions though. Although Bobbie tried very hard to manipulate my husband into leaving his children and me…in the end, my husband knew better than to trust her, and rightly so.

  2. Men who are sociopaths can be happy knowing they have destroyed their childrens’ childhoods….because they only care about themselves. Loser could care less what he has done to our children. Remember, his daughters are “selfish little bitches” and his son is a “worthless piece of shit.” If I had only known.

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