Ah, a break. Well, sort of a break. Thanksgiving week is coming up soon and the kids are off school and he is also taking some time off. This is the furthest I’ve been behind in a very long time for Thanksgiving. But, it is coming along. I finally bought the bird and all of the other food for Thanksgiving dinner tonight. A little bit of relief there. I still have quite a few other things to do this week, but I’m starting to get it all to come together.
We had a little time to talk tonight. We mostly just talked about the upcoming holidays and how we were feeling about each other at the current moment. I think we both discovered that we are tired, but for once, we aren’t tired about some drama. It’s one of those tireds that happens after you’ve been going in high speed for just a little too long, like we have been doing. I’m looking forward to the after Thanksgiving, to just call it a day and get under a blanket and do absolutely nothing with each other…well, maybe not nothing. 🙂
We both love the holidays and all of the hustle and bustle. We love being able to shop for the kids and our family. But, we also relish Christmas Day when it’s just us and the kids, eating leftovers from our big Christmas Eve dinner. There is so much greatness in having nothing to do. And downtime is exactly what we need right now. I actually think our whole family needs that downtime. We talked about going away for the holidays, but we decided not to right now. We are planning a get-away though, but we can’t decide whether it should be just us or all of us. We both admit that we probably could use some time for just us, but at the same time, we would miss our kids and we enjoy them being with us.
He has been wanting to talk, opening up more and more. Maybe finally ready to let it all flow out. I want that conversation, and I think this is one reason that he wants to get away somewhere alone. I think the obstacle now is where he wants to have that conversation and our bedroom just isn’t where he wants to open the tap. I pretty much agree with that. We already try to limit our conversations about his affair that happen in our bedroom. He doesn’t want her there, and really neither do I. I don’t think he wants her anywhere. But, I don’t think it’s healthy for him to purposely avoid her. I purposely do not avoid her. If I’m talking about her, I say her name. He has never said, but his reaction tells me he hates that. But, I refuse to give her any power at all. I think saying her name gives it less and less meaning. So I keep saying it.
He told me tonight that he can’t believe he gave her any power. That kind of took me by surprise. He had not yet humbled himself to allow his humiliation to come out so clearly. This is when I feel bad for him, even though I know I probably shouldn’t. But, he’s a good person who made a really dumb mistake…and he did the right thing eventually. I admit forgiveness is hard. It’s hard to look at the person you love and know what they are capable of, especially when it didn’t seem possible that he was capable of much bad, let alone that.
I told him that I’m still broken. I think that hurt him. He wants it all to be over, gone. It’s not that I don’t, it’s just that I AM still broken. He asked what he can do to fix that. I didn’t have an answer for him. Maybe I will always be broken. Maybe there’s nothing he can do. I don’t know. I have a lot of soul searching left to do. There’s still so much work to do. And it’s daunting. The light is at the end, but it is far away, but maybe closer than it’s been in a very long time. For that I’m thankful.