I feel like writing and I have the time, so I decided to jot down a few of my thought processes. This morning when my husband was leaving for work he was sure to tell me his exact schedule for the day. This is what he does now. And honestly, I don’t like it. It’s just a reminder of his unfaithfulness, but I’m sure that he feels like he needs to inform of every detail. I don’t say anything or let him know of my disdain for this fairly new procedure. I liked things much better before when I didn’t have to even think about where he was or what he was doing. I think he did too. He’s paying a high price for his actions. But, I really don’t want him to have to. I wish things were different.
We have been so super busy lately that we haven’t had any time to talk. I think we are both kind of grateful for that. Sometimes taking a break from all of that is exactly what you need. I have gotten a chance to listen to Adele’s new song, Hello. There is no way she is not thinking of him or me or both of us when she hears this song. And I have absolutely no doubt that one day she will contact him to “talk” about everything. We have already discussed what he would do. You see, she would find that incredibly romantic to contact an old lover to sit down and “go over” everything. Unfortunately, she does not find it to be the moral and ethical thing to contact me to “go over” everything. And it’s not because she thinks I would turn her down or lash out in anger…she knows me well enough to know that I would agree to talk to her. That part of my healing is just on hold. Ironically, I believe she won’t fully heal until she talks about it either.
Healing is such a complex and bizarre process requiring many facets of many different things. It is the least cut and dry thing that I know of. There is no simple way to heal. There is no band-aid effect. There is a lot of scabbing and bleeding and pain, over and over again. And sometimes you think you are so close to the smoothness of new skin, only to find yourself wounded again. It’s just the facts about healing in general. Healing is hard work. And that is why I am grateful for some down time, some busyness to allow us to just be us for a few weeks. We are embracing it fully, holding off all conversations about the bad stuff. You will likely find me here more, dealing with my thoughts with you all. And sometimes that is the best anyway, getting ideas and thoughts from others who have been through the same things.