Finding time to write lately has been a challenge. And every time I have a chance to write I can’t seem to figure out what I want to say. When I started this blog is was for completely therapeutic reasons. But, lately I’ve been trying to decide if that’s the reason I’m continuing to write. Is it still therapy? I think these days more of my therapy is coming from my conversations with him. Before it was just me trying to figure out what the hell happened that got me to this place. He wasn’t talking to me at all about this, and barely about anything else. We were co-existing together like roommates, faking the rest in front of our children. We were both alone together. Looking back, I realize what incredible strength we both had, even though it sure felt like we were both weak at the time. The one thing both of us knew though, no matter what we were going through, we knew if anyone could survive the hole we had found ourselves in, it was us. It may have been the key, the we knew this. It may have been the game-changer that we never gave up on each other for one second, despite any and all of the things that were said and happened. It all came down to the commitment part. Neither of us were willing to disconnect fully from the other, despite our feelings of anger and resentment we may have held toward each other.
I think often about the anger part. I, of course, was very angry with him. That is not disputable. And I believe he was very angry with me at times and at one point even said my finding out and spying fueled her fire. I have no doubt about that. He firmly believes she would have tired of him much sooner had I not been seen as her competition in her mind. I can’t describe my anger about her. At first I was angry. Today the anger is all but gone. But, I don’t think it will fully be gone until I resolve the last of it. As odd as it sounds, I wish I could talk to her.
I re-read one of her blogs that she wrote a few years ago. She never used any names, but it was about unforeseen relationships in her life and how much they meant to her. It was two people. Those two people were him and me. This is the part I don’t get. Although there are not many things about her that I can say are genuine, I did believe that at one point she considered me a close friend, much closer than the friends she had. Was she torn about what she was doing? We used to text each other every day, having conversations as if we had known each other for years and years. I would be lying if I didn’t say that wasn’t a loss as well.
And on top of all of this, I had to allow him to go through his own grieving for his loss of her. Any woman who believes that her husband will walk away unscathed after an affair is wrong. He was missing a part of him that he had for two years. He had to work through how he felt as well. And then he had to work through the part where he found out she deceived him and almost cost him everything. That is a lot for any man to handle. And eventually it was something we both had to work through.
To say we have come a long way is an understatement. And I know we aren’t done. There are days I want to believe that we are all healed and will move on and live happily ever after, but I know that we still have things to work through and conversations to have with each other. But, we are working through and we are conversing. We are moving forward, sometimes slowly and sometimes pretty fast and definitely much faster than at the beginning.
I guess my blog is still therapy. It’s still my place to talk to myself or others if they want to hear.