Have I mentioned my life is crazy? Because it is. There is so much going on that we aren’t sure we are coming or going. But I feel great, we feel great. We have crossed that invisible line in the sand that we all know is there, the one that makes us feel insecure and unsure about everything. Somehow we have beat the odds. And it’s all because of this blog. Which brings me to my other excitement. One of my other blogs has gotten over 113,000 views in the past week. I feel like a mini-celebrity. It has garnered so much attention that I can’t keep up with all of the comments. I feel so accomplished and overwhelmed at the same time.
He spent two nights this week away on a business trip. At first I felt great trepidation regarding this. I was anxious. I knew he wasn’t with her, that wasn’t it. He had not been away since her. That was the problem. I keep wondering when she will not pop into my mind randomly. I’m guessing it’s going to be a while. But, that’s okay. I’m actually glad. The more she pops into my head the sooner she will be out of my head, right? Sometimes I don’t think she will be out of my head until I come face-to-face with her. And that could happen any time at all. She lives in one city, works in another city, and we live in the city in the middle.
In just a few weeks it will be five years since the nightmare started. Five years. It seems surreal really. It seems like it almost never happened…almost. Except it did…it really did happen. And despite the fact that it did happen, and despite the fact that I didn’t want it to happen, and despite the fact that I never thought I would be able to get past it….I’m getting past it. I’m powering through and so is he. And instead of standing across from each other as adversaries, we are once again standing hand-in-hand beside each other taking on the world.
He says he doesn’t know why he did it. All he knows is as bad as he wanted to stop he couldn’t figure out how. Before he knew it there was a relationship with her that was more than sex. He enjoyed talking to her. And despite the fact that he knew her reputation, she made him believe that she had changed for him. His ego got the better of him. He felt trapped in a corner. So, he waited. He knew that she would be the one to snap first. Maybe his way was a bit cowardly, but it did get the job done. I would guess that in her whole life this was the first time she was ever dumped, so to speak, by anyone. And she really believed that he would be dumping me. I imagine it was all too much for her own ego to take. At first he felt bad, like sorry for her. But, eventually the truth came out and he realized what a fool he had been to ever trust someone like her. It’s somewhere in our roots who we really are. It’s how I knew (and he knew) that he would never leave. And it’s in her roots who she really is. And he said he never really did trust her completely.
He told me last night that he knew we would make it through all along, even without the information given to us about her. That made me happy. He may not have known exact details like we have now, but he knew deep down that her ability to stay faithful to anyone just wasn’t possible. He did think he loved her, but he says he never thought he didn’t love me. But, he knows now that the person he loved in her didn’t really exist.
We have stopped wishing that it would not have happened. The past cannot be changed. We are concentrating on the future…starting a new chapter as he puts it. I’m looking forward to new words and new adventures.