I don’t know why, but I’m tired. Just tired of the whole thing, the whole process. I’m worn down today. I know that I am not worn down for good, or for even longer than today. Today, I’m exhausted. I don’t have a reason to feel this way, I suppose. It’s just one of my down days. And these days creep up on me, surprising me, when things are going extremely well. These days haunt me. Days where I can’t seem to think of anything else but my brokenness. Days where i feel sorry for myself.
I had myself hyped up on him. He was like a God to me. I loved him with a love that starts somewhere deep in your soul and ends somewhere deep in your soul. And days like today make me understand even less what has happened. How is it possible? Here I am nearly five years in to this whole mess and I still can’t make myself accept that this man chose to do this. It doesn’t seem real on days like today. Its like I’m living someone else’s life. Someone else’s life that maybe saw it coming or had a terrible relationship with their husband or there was a lack of intimacy or communication. And we were none of that. He admits that we were none of that, despite the fact he tells me that is exactly what he told her. And maybe it’s his double life that haunts me the most. Him having me. Him having her. Both of us imagining that he was something he just wasn’t. And to complicate the whole process, I think he would have kept going had she not ended things for them. He would have continued his dual existence, seeking out in both of us his needs, fulfilling what he needed by using us both. And that couldn’t be real, because he would never do that. But, he did. And here I am five years later and I still can’t really wrap my head around any of it at all. And I wonder how he managed it all, the lying, the secrets, the deception…and I remembered that the worst thing of all was that however oblivious she was to what was going on, I was never oblivious. I had all of the recordings and emails telling me exactly what he was doing. I knew both sides the whole time and yet I stood by him. I had to. I had a family to protect.
Sometimes i wonder why she took him at his word. She had nothing to protect….except her ego. But, I guess it was important enough to her to protect it…to sacrifice herself to save her ego. To take pills to protect her ego. But then cry wolf in the ultimate stunt that proved that she is the weaker one. And somehow, I realized I was the strong one. I endured the pain, the damage, the loss, and protected those I needed to protect. But, you know what? I don’t feel very strong. Funny, I think she felt very strong and ended up weak. I feel weak, but ended up strong.
I keep thinking how nobody wins in these situations. My children lost their security and faith in their father. I lost my way, my peace of mind. She lost her mind and herself. And he lost the most, his honor. And it’s likely that all of us will get back the things we lost along the way, except for him. He lost something that he can never get back. It makes me sad for him. I realize he dug this hole, but I still feel sorry for him. He has had the ultimate loss. But it could have been worse. He could have lost his entire family for a ruse. Maybe he is the winner after all.
This has all been running through my head today, resulting in the aforementioned exhaustion. Days like today are a reminder that I have a terrible fear that maybe I will never get over this….ever. But, I will keep going and tomorrow will be better, and maybe the next day like this will be really far off, or never come again.