We attended a wedding over the weekend. Almost a year ago to the day we attended two other weddings. We were less than six months out of discovering who she really was for those. Things were getting better, but still awkward. At this wedding, he was so himself. He was being very attentive and very much my husband. He even asked to take a picture together. Life and love is moving along. We are moving along.
Wedding number two will be her wedding. I’m not exactly sure when it is because Kelly had too me it was going to be the 23rd, but the 23rd is Wednesday. So, maybe next Saturday, I’m not sure. I don’t know why, but I want to be aware of that moment when she gets married. I want to be able to feel it pulsating through me. I might have to call my cousin and find out the details. I want to know for so many reasons that I couldn’t put them all here. And, I’ll be honest here. I had hoped for an explanation, an apology, and conversation…something from her to tell me that she does have some remorse for her actions. And then, there’s this other part of me that doubts that the emotion “remorse” is in her arsenal. But, I still hope.
I’m wondering what will be different after her marriage goes through..for me, him, and her. I haven’t told him the date yet. He just knows that she’s getting married. I’m not sure how i feel about it. It won’t change the affair or how I feel about it, or any of that. But, regardless, I think I will feel changed by her marriage. Mostly, i want her to be changed by it. Perhaps all of us will be changed by it.
As I listened to the vows and read all the little signs at the wedding I attended Saturday, I thought about young love. It all is such a wide open space where almost anything can happen in the beginning. Life is in front of you, just waiting for you to embrace it or fear it or avoid it. So many things and obstacles and experiences can alter that love you feel in the beginning. That mad passionate love has to be able to withstand the cold, without any toasts or crowds or endearing love signs.
We all think we are supposed to follow our hearts. And maybe in the beginning when that love is new and fresh and full of passion, we should follow our hearts. But, as we grow with each other and build a deep love for each other, it’s important to remember that following your heart can get you into trouble. Your heart can deceive you. Your heart will deceive you. You have to be diligent in leading your heart to where it should go.