Connectivity and a blue dress and some genuine healing

So, earlier this week one of my Facebook friends, the husband of a friend really, was tagged in a photo that she was in, so therefore it popped up on my newsfeed.  I don’t know why, but I went to his page tonight to look at the picture again.  The shiny blue dress stared back at me.  I think I went to his page to look at the picture to become desensitized by it.  It seemed odd to see her there with a picture of his little girl on the first day of her Pre-K right above it.  She seems out-of-place with family photos.  Am I a glutton for punishment going back to look at that picture?  No.  Just another step.  I haven’t seen her face in a very long time, except the old ones on her blog.   Several people were tagged in the photo, her name listed with the others, but blacked out because she has me blocked.  A reminder of the affair.  A reminder that she didn’t want to see the posts about him and me, knowing the only way to stop her temptation to look was to block me.  I clicked on the photo and eventually made it big.  A big picture of Bobbie staring back at me, and not looking like a woman who tried to destroy my life.  She didn’t look like a woman who would fake a suicide. She just looked like a woman with a lot of skeletons in her giant closet.

It’s kind of funny how everything is connected.  This man’s wife is one of my sister’s sorority sisters.  We all went down to support my daughter one weekend in the spring.  But, they got there much before me to hang out with the other alumni.  His wife actually brought up Bobbie’s name to my sister and some other friends, asking someone who worked in her town if they knew her.  My sister, being as fabulous as she is, immediately set the record straight on her.  I wonder if they suspect what she did.  And my sister and I have long wondered if she slept with him as well.  After all, it is her venue and he is married.  And then there she was on his page in a bright blue dress.

At first I was shocked by seeing the picture.  I felt blindsided.  But, now, after going back to look at it, I’m glad I saw it.  A few days have gone by and the shock is gone.  And now that is in the past as well.  And it’s just another part of healing to see her photo and just move on.  The next time I see her, whether in person or in a photo, it won’t be so shocking.  I will have already gotten past that milestone.  And that’s what healing is all about, getting through all of the firsts.  And I look forward to the other firsts.  Because I want to heal.

She actually looked genuinely happy.  And, in all honesty, I can say that I want her to be happy.  Maybe it’s the part of me that doesn’t want her to hurt anyone else, because I don’t.  And the only way that is going to happen is if she is happy..for real.

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