Where Am I?

I spent the evening in the garage with my husband.  He asked me to join him, and initially I said no.  But, after about a half an hour I headed down to join him after he received a phone call that I had to take to him anyway.  I have a chair there that I can sit in while I watch him work.  Sometimes I bring my Kindle and read, chatting every once in a while, and sometimes we just spend the time talking.  And, every once in a while he needs that extra set of hands.  Tonight, I just talked to him, after he finished his call.  I have been experiencing anxiety lately.  At first I didn’t know this, but after googling some odd symptoms it immediately came up as anxiety.  Okay, makes sense, I suppose.  I guess I have been anxious about some things, but none of those things have anything to do with him per se.  It’s mostly to do with me.  But, I really can’t explain what I’m talking about.  And, even if I could explain it, I doubt anyone would understand it, because I don’t think I understand what I feel.

I think that is the source of my stress.  My inability to even explain myself.  What does this have to do with an affair?  Honestly, I can’t answer that.  I don’t know even if it does have anything to do with the affair.  But, I suppose that it probably does.  It seems everything that ever happens has to do with the affair, even though I know that is not the truth.  But, yet, I find myself struggling with feelings that I can’t even explain.  Heck, I can’t even find the correct words to explain what I feel.  The only reason this page isn’t blank is because writing something, anything, makes it seem like I’m dealing with whatever it is.  Even though I’m not really “dealing” with my own feelings at all.  I guess I choose to embrace them sometimes to alleviate the need to explain them away or to, you know, actually deal with them.

That leads to the issue of I don’t know how to deal with me.  Sometimes I want to be alone in my thoughts and not share them anywhere, not even here, and not with him.  But, he’s my go-to person.  Only I am not there yet.  I have no go-to person.  And, I have been pretty lazy about dealing with how I feel about so many different things, affair included.  I thought that writing in this blog was me dealing with me.  But, I was only using this blog as an excuse to not deal with me.  I haven’t dealt with me at all.  I have dealt with him and I have dealt with us, but I have not dealt with me.

I think I have gotten lost somewhere in the shuffle of him, us, and the family.  And I keep searching for me in familiar, yet odd places, because I have no idea where I am at the moment.

Suggestions welcome!

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6 thoughts on “Where Am I?

  1. Totally feel you i think in my case I am learning to deal with me more but I am slow at doing it and accepting change.
    That’s tough but I am trying to focus on me and think how can I do better for me today?
    Here does it for me because I type pretty fast and I can process.
    I also can track progress for me on where I don’t want to go and things that worked for me and things that didn’t.
    You seem to be on the right step you see what is working for you and what isn’t and evaluate from there.
    I find for myself it’s hard to slow down and really evaluate because to me that takes time and well I don’t have all the time in the world 😝
    Lately reading the peacemaker it has been showing me that whatever is eating at me its like cleaning house I have to tackle one issue what’s the biggest issue that I can control for me and explore ways to resolve that issue.
    I also have been thinking about keeping a stress diary
    I want to spend more time with me just not sure how to make thAt happen
    Not sure these suggestions are even helpful but they seem to be okay for me.
    Cheers!!
    NH

    1. It’s hard to find time to ourselves. I struggle with that a lot. It’s one of the reasons I started this blog. It forces me to be alone.And it forces me to deal as well.But, I often forget to deal with me!

  2. I think you know in your heart that him, and your family is worth it. And you’ve spent so long fighting for them. Now I think you’re just trying to figure out where YOU fit into all of this – the aftermath of everything. You can still keep your family, and your marriage at the top of your priority, but now you can take a step back and figure out where and how to incorporate your own personal goals and happiness into this.

  3. I think you spend so much of your time and energy on your family, that you have pushed yourself to the side, and now you’re starting to feel the neglect of it. That’s not to say that your husband doesn’t do things for you, it’s just that you still have to make time for yourself and your feelings and making sure that you do what you enjoy doing. Maybe you don’t know how you feel, because you don’t know who you are right now? So much has happened over the past couple of years, and you’ve put so much energy, and time, and effort into fighting for your marriage. Now that things have calmed down, the focus is going to start leaning heavily on just you and what you need to recoup, recharge, and become refocused.

    1. I don’t know who I am right now. That’s a fact! But, I think you’re right. Things have slowed down and are normal and now I’m realizing that I took very little time for myself, caught up in the hubbub of everything that’s happened.

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