I always write this time of night because I love the way it feels for everyone to be here at home, snuggled in their beds or on the couch. My husband is sleeping pretty soundly next to me, and I get to revel in everyone being here, but I get to be alone in my thoughts. The last few weeks have been pretty great. I have been going with the flow, enjoying my family and summer! At the end of this week we are going on vacation. Neither one of us can wait, nor the kids. We will be going to the mountains. Cell phone signals are sketchy and I will not mind that one bit. I hope to get some writing done on my other blogs while I’m away. Being in the mountains is about the best inspiration for writing that you can get. I plan to take advantage of it, whether actually writing or just taking some notes. We also plan to go hiking togther, as a family and one day just us. This is something that we have been wanting to do in respect to our healing. When things are going well though he finds it more difficult to bring up the affair and her and the whole sordid thing. I believe he truly pushes the whole thing to the back of his mind. I always feel like it’s in the front of my mind.
And there are so many things that I do not write about here. I find my peace in such bizarre ways that I feel it almost impossible for anyone else to understand my methods. But, I tell myself that anything that brings me peace, however I achieve that peace, is an individual thing to me. Everybody has different ways for getting through their pain. I used to struggle with myself and the steps I took to overcome everything. I don’t know how many times I had given the advice in my other blogs to not fight what seems natural, just go with it, not against it. I decided to do just that. I try not to fight my inner feelings and what I feel I need to be happy. I just embrace it, all of it. And most importantly, it’s all me.
The one thing that does bother me is that my husband’s way of dealing with things is to not deal with them. If I never brought this up again, he wouldn’t either. He wants to forget it. He wants to pretend that it never happened. He wants to move on with our life with the whole thing not just swept under the rug, but put in a bag and hauled off to the dump. I might be okay with his method, if I didn’t know from experience that it will only make things worse if we aren’t careful. When his mom was killed in an accident, he pushed it all away, ignored it, ran at full speed to get away from it, only to find out that you can’t run away from something like that.
I am not a runner. But, I don’t deal with things like normal people do. But, at least I deal with my emotions and my demons as best I can. I like to face things when I can head on. It’s just me.
As I was cleaning my house today, I was remembering that dark period when I was in that deep fog, Nothing was getting accomplished. My family seemed to be falling apart around me. All of us were doing the bare minimum to get by. We were just existing. We were barely breathing. And, now here we are, thriving again. Life is full of surprises, and lots of ups and downs. But, I have to say-
I’m ready for a ride on the merry-go-round.