I have started and erased this page three times now. I keep changing my mind about what I want to say or how I want to say it. Things are going well here. Maybe that’s the problem. Another problem is that I don’t share everything, even here. I don’t even share those deep parts of my mind with him. Seems kind of deceitful, doesn’t it? I expect him to share the dark recesses of his mind, but I won’t share mine. The things is, I don’t know the reason why I won’t share those things with you guys, or with him. I just don’t. But, I have all of these things in my head and they seem to just swirl around in there, never coming out ever.
I’m thinking about taking a day-trip, just me. I guess I have a lot of things in my head that I need to work out. I just don’t know how to work them out. Sometimes I think I need to talk to him and sometimes I think I need to talk to her. But, I usually just end up talking to nobody and barely writing about it here. It feels like this has been going on forever and I’m tired. I wish I could get some closure, only I don’t know how to get closure. Did I mention that I’m tired? I fear that I will never be able to get this out of my head. Maybe I’m still in denial. It just doesn’t seem possible that it happened, especially now that he’s back to being him. I think he feels the same way. And maybe that’s another problem. We aren’t talking to each other enough, both afraid to bring it up and rock the boat. I don’t think he would ever bring it up again. It’s not exactly one of his shining moments. It’s not one of mine either. Plus, I can’t get some of the things said and done by him out of my brain. Again, doesn’t seem possible.
This road to recovery is long and arduous, isn’t it? Maybe that’s why I need to take a physical road that is long and arduous. I feel like since I can’t work it out of my head mentally, maybe i should work it out of my head physically. And maybe somewhere along this road I will find the closure that I need. And I do live in a state with a lot of state parks that contain a lot of hiking trails. Maybe the elusive closure is hiding somewhere in the trees.
But, most likely it’s somewhere inside of me.